Playing the dame!

I'm curious as to whether when men play 'the dame' in pantomime there is an option not to shave your legs, but to wear very thick tights instead. Answers on a postcard...

Good timing!

The worst possible thing that can happen to you is that you get into bed, close your eyes and suddenly hear....the dishwasher beep to kindly tell you that it has finished its cycle! You have a choice....ignore it and wait for it to beep every few minutes throughout the night, or get up!

Luckily, last night it beeped as I was turning all of the lights out and making my way upstairs...now that really was good timing!

I've seen it all!

Having decided to have a mass clear out at home, we hired a skip and managed to fill it quite quickly with some absolute rubbish. So at half four in the afternoon you can imagine my shock to see some bloke pull up outside, calmly get out of his car, pull a child gate from the skip and drive off with it at breakneck speed!

I sincerely hope that when he got it home he understood why it was in the skip in the first place...namely that the gate wouldn't actually shut!! Although maybe he's been playing with it for the last 3 hours wondering what's wrong with it...

Beer festivals

Having been to Octoberfest in Munich, I don't think any other beer-fest would ever come up to the mark...so when local pubs are doing their own version you have to be sceptical. Actually some are reasonable with a half decent selection of local ales...but what you really need is a load of chickens on a spit, ladies and gents in bavarian costume and an oompah band trotting out classics such as 'let me entertain you' and 'living on a prayer'

Preparing for government!

Having voted in the General Election, I'm sitting here wondering what imaginative ways there are of spoiling one's ballot paper. Surely number one is stapling a rabbit's ear to it and trying to force it into the ballot box?

Last in God's great chain

Whenever you order something and they give you an 'all day' delivery estimation, you always assume it'll be before lunchtime...but it never is.

Having surveyed all of my friends I've discovered that none of them have ever had anything delivered before 5pm...which leads me to deduce that most delivery firms only deliver in the late afternoon.

So what do they do for the rest of the day...other than answer the phone calls we make which start off "we were expecting a delivery today, can you tell me whether it is on the truck..."

So, so, sorry!

Apologies if I said I had had a bear earlier, I meant I had had a beer! Crikey, I've had numerous phone calls from wildlife charities...