The geese are getting fat

I woke up in a cold sweat last night wondering whether or not to get a real Christmas tree when the time comes. I realise this isn't a matter of life or death, but it's important that I get it right. Apparently they are now breeding trees that don't shed their needles....this time next year they will be doing ones with lights on the branches, and following that will be ones that grow their own baubels. Oh the wonders of modern science.

The finest wines known to humanity

No blogs for a few days as I've been away on a training course....actually it was like a detention centre, but kind of fun at the same time as we had to contend with role play situations with trained actors. This is always amusing and usually quite good but in this instance their job was to make it as hard as possible for us to get the information we needed. They also then gave us really crap feedback which we have to build into our 'personal development plans'. Joy!

Still, at the end of the course we organised a dinner for some of the company's big cheeses. I'm only a small to medium sized cheese so this was a chance to have a stressful meal knowing that they are judging you! Obviously the idea at the start was not to get drunk, but I failed miserably in that plan. I know this as I sent a text message at ten to one in the morning which included phrases like "utterly arseholed" and "I am the walrus". V poor.

Cafe au lait

I'm going to buy shares in all major coffee shop chains as I seem to need to take half my team out each day for coffee's and a chat! Am I really the only person alive who feels slightly uncomfortable asking for a tall skinny latte? I almost want them to hand it over in a brown paper bag....

Triple word score

It's really depressing when, on a cold, wet Saturday, you realise that your surname would only get 27 points if it was on a triple word score at Scrabble.

Square root of bugger all

I wish I had paid more attention in school to things mathematical. You wouldn't think it would be too difficult to estimate the number of bags of bark chippings needed to cover a few flower beds, but it's impossible. First bed.....one bag purchased, four needed. Second bed, five purchased, sixteen needed! It makes you so angry when you run out.

So, using common sense there should be a warning on each bag which says something like "Bark chippings cause stress related illnesses. Multiply the number of bags you think you need by three and add one."

'Tis cold and dark outside

So this is Winter! How do I know? Mainly because the winter timetable is now in place on the trains. I find it curious though.....the winter timetable has the same trains but five minutes earlier than the summer timetable. Why five minutes earlier when its darker, colder, more likely to be frosty I will never know.

Just a shame that now the timetable is five minutes earlier, the trains are five minutes late every day which kinda defeats the object as we're back where we started. Summer trains are always on time, so why change something if it isn't broken?

It does cause me a grave dilemma though. Do I set the alarm five minutes earlier or do I try to get ready and have my breakfast in less time than normal. The agony of choice!

Viewing habits tell all

Slight generalisation but why is it that all people who use portable DVD players on trains look like they still live with their parents and shop for clothes at jumble sales?

Also quite disconcerting that when you look at what they are watching its either a Mills and Boon type romance or some psycho film with axe murderers and people boiling small animals!

Could be worse though.....look into their supermarket carrier bag and you'd find a copy of the "What Knitwear 1976" annual.

The lost art of communication

I wasn't sure whether it was my poor hearing or just rudeness on the part of the lady (and I use that term in its broadest possible sense) who serves me tea every morning in the canteen, but I always make a point of saying "Good morning", and have never heard anything in response. So, curiosity (which I wish would kill my cat as he's obviously in the employment of the devil) got the better of me and I actually looked her in the face this morning....and my fears were immediately realised....she said nothing. It's rudeness on a scale I often encounter in London but do my best not to perpetrate.

Tomorrow I shall try to engage her in conversation about the inclement weather, and no doubt this time next year we will be having theological discourses about the rights of man.

Benefits package

It was almost too good to be true. I responded to a query from a new joiner in my team about him taking some personal leave by suggesting he take it out of his annual holiday entitlement and was utterly amazed when he said, and I quote, "Holiday entitlement? We have that?"!

There was, I admit, an instant where I thought about saying that it was my mistake and we only give holiday to those who had been with us for more than a year, but I fear I would have eventually been exposed as a bit of a liar! Innocence and naievety are alive and well and living in London!

Note to self - pick the moment to tell him that he can have Christmas Day, Boxing Day and New Year's Day off too. He will think I'm a great boss!

Lonely hearts club

Why is it that when you look through the 'Personal' columns in the Sunday newspapers (for giggles obviously!) you see adverts for gay men who are straight-acting, but never straight men who are gay-acting?

That competitive streak

I see a chap on the station every morning who strikes me as being the single most competitive person on Gods Earth. I've watched him as he's first onto the train, first to get up and get to the doors as the train is pulling into London, first to get down to the underground platform, and first to get onto the escalator at our mutual destination. This man has no shame. Women, children and sometimes stray animals are mercilessly cut up like some four wheeled predator on the M25. But, I ask myself whether he's happy.

Seeing him first into the station car park at the end of each day, seeing him first to get into his brand new Aston Martin DB9, I've concluded that he might be.

Charity starts at home

Apparently tomorrow is "hug a hippo day", so I've got an early appointment on the village rack to have my arms stretched.

Forbidden fruits

Where would I be without the humble BlackBerry? This curious lesser spotted piece of 21st century technology which keeps me in touch with my colleagues, with what's going on in my tiny corner of the universe, with what I'm supposed to be doing tomorrow and the next day and with the cricket scores when I'm on the train.

I'll tell you where I'd be....in a lot less agony as I wouldn't have RSI in my thumbs. Honestly, even Pacman or Donkey Kong on my Nintendo back in the 1980's wasn't this addictive or so bad for my health!

My late father

Well, here we are. After what seems like an age, I've finally bought into doing what my late father did and have started documenting my life. The notable difference being that I'm doing it as it happens....my father started, and indeed finished it, the day he drowned in a vat of whisky. It took him several hours, as he had to climb out three times to relieve himself.

It's doubtful, as my father found out to his cost, that we'll get past paragraph four, but hope springs eternal. At least I'll be using a half decent keyboard as opposed to my father who used fingernails on the sides of a large copper basin.