Why did the commuter cross the road?

There's a chap I see most mornings who comes out of his house and crosses the road, walks on for about 200 yards, crosses back and goes into the station. I've often wondered why he crosses the road in the first place given that he lives on the same side as the station and there is a path on his side, which I believe to be safe and flat under foot.

I've not yet thought of any likely reasons for this strange behaviour. Some sort of allergy or temporary madness maybe.

How rude would it be for me to ask him?

Animal magic!

Apparently tomorrow is 'tickle a tiger day'. I must remember to get my circus master costume back from the dry cleaners.

To boldly blog where no man has blogged before

Very strange journey on the train this morning. Lieutenant Commander 'Data' from Star Trek was on my carriage, although I don't think anyone else recognised him, as he wasn't wearing Star Fleet uniform. Oddly, he was disguised as a Klingon so I assume he was on some kind of secret mission.

Nobody really paid him much attention but then I suppose Klingons don't really have the reputation for being Monday morning people.

Men of the cloth

Well, it had to come to this at some point in my life. Inviting the local vicar round for morning tea and biscuits so he could effectively 'vet' me and my future wife, and see whether we should be allowed to tread on the hallowed turf that is his 12th century churchyard (and indeed if we were lucky get inside his stone building!).

I was dreading the fact that in normal conversation I swear at least once in every sentence (tourettes no doubt!), but was going to have to suppress this for at least an hour. In actual fact I think I managed about 40 seconds until I uttered "bloody hell" to one of his 'break the ice' comments.

Fuck and bollocks!

A word to the wise

Don't ever try to use a worn twenty pound note in one of those automated car parking payment machines. It won't work and you will annoy those in the queue behind you. Today I was that queue.

What a load of balls

I've just seen an ad for a 'full set of snooker bills' in my local newspaper. Apparently they comprised receipts for £40 for a cue, £3,500 for a full size table, and £15 for that amazing little rubber attachment that players with short arms and legs use for certain shots down the table.

Charity starts at home

Walking past one of the local charity shops this morning I was surprised to see a pair of my old and worn black shoes that I had donated on sale for £25 - quite a lot of money in my opinion given their condition and the fact that I no longer could wear them without water coming in through the soles on a wet day.

More surprising was that they were below a pair of my black trousers.....which I hadn't donated!

Note to self - order new locks for the front door.

Dog and bone

Big comedy moment in the office today when I heard a mobile phone go off.....then it went off again.....then I started to get irritated and called out fairly loudly for the owner to [bloody well] answer it or for someone to switch it off. It then went off again, at which point one of my colleagues stormed down the office, picked up bags, looked on and under desks, until he realised that the phone was in fact in someone's trouser pocket and they had failed to notice!

How could anyone not realise? Even if it wasn't set to vibrate you would still think "Hmmm, that sounds remarkably close.....". I can't make this sort of stuff up you know, it really happened!

Here comes a whizz bang....eventually

Never trust temporary signage for road directions when you are trying to go to a fireworks display. I mean what's the bloody point of taking you round the houses (or in our case into the neighbouring county) just to get you off the motorway a bit earlier?

We ended up quite literally on the road to nowhere and realised when we hadn't seen a temporary sign for about 10 minutes that in fact we were likely to miss the display if we weren't careful. Ultimately sense prevailed when the organisers delayed the start time to allow people like us to arrive safely and get into prime position.

But alas, whilst it was very good, just like some other things, it was all over too soon...

Poor pussy....poor pussy cat

Have you lost your cat? Was he a large fluffy black and white one with a cute little face and a lovely nature round children? Yes? Well, neither I nor my friends have seen him I'm afraid so best put a notice on a local lamp post in case he's passing by and can't remember where he lives. 8 out of 10 cats suggest floor level is the best placement....

Great unanswered question's of the world number 45

...who takes control of the middle arm rest between two seats on a train? Is it bad form to hijack it? Should it be shared? Do you spend the entire journey jockeying for position and repositioning your arm to get to get as much of it as possible? Or do you let the 18 stone bloke next to you win, given that he's already got half of his fat hairy arse on your seat anyway?

Answers on a postcard.....

Tall stories

Apparently, tomorrow is "grope a giraffe day" so I've already got my step ladder at the ready.