Minimum...maximum

I've calculated that the minimum number of steps it takes to get back from the pub next door is 48. Whilst I think that is pretty damn good, it should be tempered with the fact that the maximum I've managed to do it in is 232. This, I'm told, included zig zagging across the road twice and doing a little dance around the mini-roundabout!

China in my hand

You can imagine my disgust when I went for a piss in a half decent brauhouse in Berlin just before Christmas to find that I had to aim at a dead fly in the urinal!

You can also probably imagine the comedy value when, after three or four visits to the toilet during the course of the evening , I realised that the fly was in fact a trade mark of the urinal manufacturer and was hand painted on the china!

Recycled clothing

My wife's aunt is about to knit me a jumper and to be totally environmentally friendly I've decided she should use the fluff I've been collecting from my navel over the last three and a half decades. It can't be that difficult to spin it into wool.

If I'm seen wearing a recycled pullover I suspect everyone else will want one too. Top clothing manufacturers take note!

Flying at half mast

I'm very pleased to announce that the erstwhile Mr Competitive is back in town.

Amusingly his suit trousers appear to have shrunk (cheap dry cleaners, if you ask me!) and are most definately now at half mast. It couldn't have happened to a nicer person.

What a professional.....what a contender.....what a prick!