Firing on all cylinders

Having read a story in the newspaper this morning about a boy who tried to light his own farts, I've decided to strike this off the list of things to do before I'm 40. This poor boy didn't even pay any attention to basic health and safety precautions (or indeed common sense) as he foolishly lit the match next to a petrol can! I don't think I need to explain what happened next.

Things not to do on the tube - number 19

Humming along to whatever you are listening to on your iPod. You'll look like you should have been entered for the Village Idiot's Championship (notice the capital letters - this event actually exists!).

Worse still, number 20, occasionally miming or indeed singing a few bars of the song...

Tales of the unexpected

When in Mumbai earlier in the year, I was fortunate enough to have a few hours spare before flying home to Blighty....so what better than to play 18 holes of golf at the Willingdon Club!

Having set my alarm at 5am, we were picked up from the hotel at 6am and were on the first tee at 6.30am. At approximately 6.32am I found my wayward tee shot in the bunker....surrounded by three sleeping dogs! Not one of them moved whilst I took my shot.

You can't make this stuff up can you???!!!

Rude awakenings

I'm well known at work for my choice of fruity language, and whilst I'm not proud of this, it is frankly a sign of someone who has a limited vocabulary. That said, two events this week have reminded me that maybe I need to curb the 'fruitiness' (especially relevant given I have an 11 week old daughter!).

Firstly, I was asked by our HR Manager whether I had Tourette's Syndrome...to which I replied 'fuck off', and secondly, having finished a conference call, I was complemented by our Financial Controller who said I had got through the whole conversation without saying something was 'bollocks'.

Not so cool as a cucumber!

I always pride myself on my appearance, even if I'm wearing an ensemble that other people wouldn't be seen dead in!

However, last weekend I went to the pub in a smart pair of jeans and a rather dashing, and dare I say it expensive, polo shirt, only to realise half way through the evening that my collar was drenched in baby vomit!

Luckily nobody noticed as they must have thought it part of the 'look' I had created, but I felt like a bit of a tit!