Playing the dame!

I'm curious as to whether when men play 'the dame' in pantomime there is an option not to shave your legs, but to wear very thick tights instead. Answers on a postcard...

Good timing!

The worst possible thing that can happen to you is that you get into bed, close your eyes and suddenly hear....the dishwasher beep to kindly tell you that it has finished its cycle! You have a choice....ignore it and wait for it to beep every few minutes throughout the night, or get up!

Luckily, last night it beeped as I was turning all of the lights out and making my way upstairs...now that really was good timing!

I've seen it all!

Having decided to have a mass clear out at home, we hired a skip and managed to fill it quite quickly with some absolute rubbish. So at half four in the afternoon you can imagine my shock to see some bloke pull up outside, calmly get out of his car, pull a child gate from the skip and drive off with it at breakneck speed!

I sincerely hope that when he got it home he understood why it was in the skip in the first place...namely that the gate wouldn't actually shut!! Although maybe he's been playing with it for the last 3 hours wondering what's wrong with it...

Beer festivals

Having been to Octoberfest in Munich, I don't think any other beer-fest would ever come up to the mark...so when local pubs are doing their own version you have to be sceptical. Actually some are reasonable with a half decent selection of local ales...but what you really need is a load of chickens on a spit, ladies and gents in bavarian costume and an oompah band trotting out classics such as 'let me entertain you' and 'living on a prayer'

Preparing for government!

Having voted in the General Election, I'm sitting here wondering what imaginative ways there are of spoiling one's ballot paper. Surely number one is stapling a rabbit's ear to it and trying to force it into the ballot box?

Last in God's great chain

Whenever you order something and they give you an 'all day' delivery estimation, you always assume it'll be before lunchtime...but it never is.

Having surveyed all of my friends I've discovered that none of them have ever had anything delivered before 5pm...which leads me to deduce that most delivery firms only deliver in the late afternoon.

So what do they do for the rest of the day...other than answer the phone calls we make which start off "we were expecting a delivery today, can you tell me whether it is on the truck..."

So, so, sorry!

Apologies if I said I had had a bear earlier, I meant I had had a beer! Crikey, I've had numerous phone calls from wildlife charities...

Not all are made equal!

Two years ago my annual railcard lasted about six months before it literally fell apart from having to go through the ticket barriers four times a day. Last year's card managed to keep its shape for the whole twelve month period (a miracle which will no doubt feature in the book of records at some point soon).

This year...three months in and my poor railcard looks like it's been used by a tramp as a pillow. I can only assume the rail company is making cutbacks and is using cheaper card. You get what you pay for, but they always look suspiciously at me when I try to get a replacement - like I would deliberately trash it?!

Count the rings V

Yet more signs you're getting old:

- you lose the ability to push a shopping trolley in a straight line
- you start using one of those long 'chin' putters on the golf course
- tank tops suddenly regain their appeal

Cash on the hip...

Three signs that the recession is over:

- you revert to putting super-unleaded in the lawnmower
- you send letters by first class post
- you start using bottled water to water the garden

Old wives tales...

We now hear that eating a fried breakfast is probably healthier than a bowl of muesli. In the same way, presumably, that drinking ten pints of lager is better for you than a glass of fruit juice? I think not.

Last orders, please!

You know when you're in a rough pub when the performance of the bar staff is measured by how many female customers are drinking pints!

Another sign you're getting old...

You start naming the pot holes you see on the walk to the station in the morning after craters on the moon!

How the other half lives!

My parents attitude is to 'put another jumper on' when it's cold. That's fine, but what if it's your feet that are cold...I don't recall any companies making jumpers for feet! Maybe there's a gap in the market here!

What's in a name?

It's always disappointing when you read too much into a situation. For example, today I went to the 'One Day Cleaning' shop so that I could get some clothes cleaned and returned by tomorrow....wrong....the reason for their name is that they only open on Thursdays!

I was going to have them under the Trade Descriptions Act, but I suspect they're in the clear!!!

Double standards!

Why do women think it's really cute when babies fall asleep whilst being fed, but then give their husbands such grief when they fall asleep 'on the job'?

If you want to get ahead...

...get a hat. The problem is that everyone else looks good in a beanie....whilst I look like an idiot. It must be something to do with the shape of my head.

Knowing me, knowing you...

How many times have you waved at someone thinking you know them and then it hits you that you don't? Could be worse though...you could have run up behind them and pinched their bottom!

Jobsworth!

The 1911 census is particularly revealing about how my ancestors viewed themselves. My great grandfather listed his occupation as 'master builder'.....and my great grandmother as 'jack of all trades'. Why do I think that it was my great grandfather who entered both of these statements on the form?!

A fate worse than death!

My daughter has a fascination with my sock drawer and she enjoys emptying it across the bedroom with gay abandon.

This troubles me as I need all of my socks to be paired correctly according to colour....brand new socks are black, older socks are varying shades of dark grey. I can't face going out of the house with socks that don't match.

Houston....we have a problem.

Confused...again!

If I send a parcel by ship it's called a cargo, but if I send it by car it's a shipment. I'm confused.