Last in God's great chain

Whenever you order something and they give you an 'all day' delivery estimation, you always assume it'll be before lunchtime...but it never is.

Having surveyed all of my friends I've discovered that none of them have ever had anything delivered before 5pm...which leads me to deduce that most delivery firms only deliver in the late afternoon.

So what do they do for the rest of the day...other than answer the phone calls we make which start off "we were expecting a delivery today, can you tell me whether it is on the truck..."

So, so, sorry!

Apologies if I said I had had a bear earlier, I meant I had had a beer! Crikey, I've had numerous phone calls from wildlife charities...

Not all are made equal!

Two years ago my annual railcard lasted about six months before it literally fell apart from having to go through the ticket barriers four times a day. Last year's card managed to keep its shape for the whole twelve month period (a miracle which will no doubt feature in the book of records at some point soon).

This year...three months in and my poor railcard looks like it's been used by a tramp as a pillow. I can only assume the rail company is making cutbacks and is using cheaper card. You get what you pay for, but they always look suspiciously at me when I try to get a replacement - like I would deliberately trash it?!

Count the rings V

Yet more signs you're getting old:

- you lose the ability to push a shopping trolley in a straight line
- you start using one of those long 'chin' putters on the golf course
- tank tops suddenly regain their appeal

Cash on the hip...

Three signs that the recession is over:

- you revert to putting super-unleaded in the lawnmower
- you send letters by first class post
- you start using bottled water to water the garden