Mirror, signal, oh shit...

Imagine my astonishment when I went into the station car park this morning and found a 2 year old VW Golf half in and half out of a parking bay. No one was in it, and nobody was around. Being a nosey kind of bloke, I took a closer look only to find that the car was in fact embedded into one of the supporting pillars, and had obviously been left where the accident had occurred.

I can only assume that the owner/driver had such a fit of rage/embarrassment that they simply got out of the car and walked away. If it had been me I would have found the nearest tree branch and beat the living crap out of the car for being so stupid - a la Basil Fawlty.

Great train journey's of the world...

It must be great to be a commuter in the days between Christmas and New Year. No overcrowding, you can put your feet up on the seat opposite without fear of huffing, puffing and stern looks from people coming aboard and quite likely you can get the later train cos the boss isn't in!

That said, if it was a toss up between that and eating too much, drinking too much and generally being merry then I'll take the latter!

Christmas is coming...

At this time of year the geese have been fat, and have been under the executioners knife, for quite some time and I can imagine the beastly farmers have been out there every morning pretending to be Sir Cliff and singing in some awful yokel voice something like "mistletoe and wine, that fat goose is mine..." for the last month or so. Tragic, but true!

In my little corner of the world I've been more concerned with whether I've got enough coal and wood to see me through this, the most festive of seasons. If I haven't, then the dogs and cat are in danger of providing me with some warmth! That said, the guinea pig looks the most likely to fit on a spit on the roaring fire!

Mind the gap? This isn't a gap, it's a precipice...

OK, well, I've worked out why I've been so disappointed with the 6.49 being five minutes late....the timetable has changed (without me, and the rest of the English speaking population of my village being informed) and the new time is actually 6.54.

Clearly I should have been happy with this given that I don't have to get up five minutes earlier....except that I'm not. Both me and Mr Competitive, and his army of fans, have been standing on the platform with their feet tapping, at the same time they used to, and huffing and puffing, so much that they might even blow the house down...

Oh, what's the point?

Mind the gap

I think I am going to lobby the train operators into changing the internal layout of their carriages as it strikes me that there are effectively three types of passenger and all should get their own well defined area.

Firstly there are those who can afford first class tickets and they should continue to have wider seats, sliding glass door separators and those little bits of paper to protect the head rests on seats.

Secondly, an area for middle class kind of people. You know, the solid, hard working joe bloggs who do a long day in the city and travel back to the countryside at the end of each day to spend a lovely evening in front of the fire (velour smoking jacket optional).

Lastly a compartment for smelly people who don't seem to take a shower, who had spicy food with garlic in it for tea yesterday, and generally have questionable personal hygiene.

Enough said.

And the winner is...

Success.

I finally beat Mr Competitive off the tube and up the escalators this morning. It was an expert piece of manoevering as I quite neatly let him onto the carriage first so that he wouldn't be able to get off in front of me.

Ingenuity at its finest, but I fear I am becoming worse than him! I even found myself giving him a very hard stare the other day, and he can't possibly know why!

Why did the commuter cross the road?

There's a chap I see most mornings who comes out of his house and crosses the road, walks on for about 200 yards, crosses back and goes into the station. I've often wondered why he crosses the road in the first place given that he lives on the same side as the station and there is a path on his side, which I believe to be safe and flat under foot.

I've not yet thought of any likely reasons for this strange behaviour. Some sort of allergy or temporary madness maybe.

How rude would it be for me to ask him?

Animal magic!

Apparently tomorrow is 'tickle a tiger day'. I must remember to get my circus master costume back from the dry cleaners.

To boldly blog where no man has blogged before

Very strange journey on the train this morning. Lieutenant Commander 'Data' from Star Trek was on my carriage, although I don't think anyone else recognised him, as he wasn't wearing Star Fleet uniform. Oddly, he was disguised as a Klingon so I assume he was on some kind of secret mission.

Nobody really paid him much attention but then I suppose Klingons don't really have the reputation for being Monday morning people.

Men of the cloth

Well, it had to come to this at some point in my life. Inviting the local vicar round for morning tea and biscuits so he could effectively 'vet' me and my future wife, and see whether we should be allowed to tread on the hallowed turf that is his 12th century churchyard (and indeed if we were lucky get inside his stone building!).

I was dreading the fact that in normal conversation I swear at least once in every sentence (tourettes no doubt!), but was going to have to suppress this for at least an hour. In actual fact I think I managed about 40 seconds until I uttered "bloody hell" to one of his 'break the ice' comments.

Fuck and bollocks!

A word to the wise

Don't ever try to use a worn twenty pound note in one of those automated car parking payment machines. It won't work and you will annoy those in the queue behind you. Today I was that queue.

What a load of balls

I've just seen an ad for a 'full set of snooker bills' in my local newspaper. Apparently they comprised receipts for £40 for a cue, £3,500 for a full size table, and £15 for that amazing little rubber attachment that players with short arms and legs use for certain shots down the table.

Charity starts at home

Walking past one of the local charity shops this morning I was surprised to see a pair of my old and worn black shoes that I had donated on sale for £25 - quite a lot of money in my opinion given their condition and the fact that I no longer could wear them without water coming in through the soles on a wet day.

More surprising was that they were below a pair of my black trousers.....which I hadn't donated!

Note to self - order new locks for the front door.

Dog and bone

Big comedy moment in the office today when I heard a mobile phone go off.....then it went off again.....then I started to get irritated and called out fairly loudly for the owner to [bloody well] answer it or for someone to switch it off. It then went off again, at which point one of my colleagues stormed down the office, picked up bags, looked on and under desks, until he realised that the phone was in fact in someone's trouser pocket and they had failed to notice!

How could anyone not realise? Even if it wasn't set to vibrate you would still think "Hmmm, that sounds remarkably close.....". I can't make this sort of stuff up you know, it really happened!

Here comes a whizz bang....eventually

Never trust temporary signage for road directions when you are trying to go to a fireworks display. I mean what's the bloody point of taking you round the houses (or in our case into the neighbouring county) just to get you off the motorway a bit earlier?

We ended up quite literally on the road to nowhere and realised when we hadn't seen a temporary sign for about 10 minutes that in fact we were likely to miss the display if we weren't careful. Ultimately sense prevailed when the organisers delayed the start time to allow people like us to arrive safely and get into prime position.

But alas, whilst it was very good, just like some other things, it was all over too soon...

Poor pussy....poor pussy cat

Have you lost your cat? Was he a large fluffy black and white one with a cute little face and a lovely nature round children? Yes? Well, neither I nor my friends have seen him I'm afraid so best put a notice on a local lamp post in case he's passing by and can't remember where he lives. 8 out of 10 cats suggest floor level is the best placement....

Great unanswered question's of the world number 45

...who takes control of the middle arm rest between two seats on a train? Is it bad form to hijack it? Should it be shared? Do you spend the entire journey jockeying for position and repositioning your arm to get to get as much of it as possible? Or do you let the 18 stone bloke next to you win, given that he's already got half of his fat hairy arse on your seat anyway?

Answers on a postcard.....

Tall stories

Apparently, tomorrow is "grope a giraffe day" so I've already got my step ladder at the ready.

The geese are getting fat

I woke up in a cold sweat last night wondering whether or not to get a real Christmas tree when the time comes. I realise this isn't a matter of life or death, but it's important that I get it right. Apparently they are now breeding trees that don't shed their needles....this time next year they will be doing ones with lights on the branches, and following that will be ones that grow their own baubels. Oh the wonders of modern science.

The finest wines known to humanity

No blogs for a few days as I've been away on a training course....actually it was like a detention centre, but kind of fun at the same time as we had to contend with role play situations with trained actors. This is always amusing and usually quite good but in this instance their job was to make it as hard as possible for us to get the information we needed. They also then gave us really crap feedback which we have to build into our 'personal development plans'. Joy!

Still, at the end of the course we organised a dinner for some of the company's big cheeses. I'm only a small to medium sized cheese so this was a chance to have a stressful meal knowing that they are judging you! Obviously the idea at the start was not to get drunk, but I failed miserably in that plan. I know this as I sent a text message at ten to one in the morning which included phrases like "utterly arseholed" and "I am the walrus". V poor.

Cafe au lait

I'm going to buy shares in all major coffee shop chains as I seem to need to take half my team out each day for coffee's and a chat! Am I really the only person alive who feels slightly uncomfortable asking for a tall skinny latte? I almost want them to hand it over in a brown paper bag....

Triple word score

It's really depressing when, on a cold, wet Saturday, you realise that your surname would only get 27 points if it was on a triple word score at Scrabble.

Square root of bugger all

I wish I had paid more attention in school to things mathematical. You wouldn't think it would be too difficult to estimate the number of bags of bark chippings needed to cover a few flower beds, but it's impossible. First bed.....one bag purchased, four needed. Second bed, five purchased, sixteen needed! It makes you so angry when you run out.

So, using common sense there should be a warning on each bag which says something like "Bark chippings cause stress related illnesses. Multiply the number of bags you think you need by three and add one."

'Tis cold and dark outside

So this is Winter! How do I know? Mainly because the winter timetable is now in place on the trains. I find it curious though.....the winter timetable has the same trains but five minutes earlier than the summer timetable. Why five minutes earlier when its darker, colder, more likely to be frosty I will never know.

Just a shame that now the timetable is five minutes earlier, the trains are five minutes late every day which kinda defeats the object as we're back where we started. Summer trains are always on time, so why change something if it isn't broken?

It does cause me a grave dilemma though. Do I set the alarm five minutes earlier or do I try to get ready and have my breakfast in less time than normal. The agony of choice!

Viewing habits tell all

Slight generalisation but why is it that all people who use portable DVD players on trains look like they still live with their parents and shop for clothes at jumble sales?

Also quite disconcerting that when you look at what they are watching its either a Mills and Boon type romance or some psycho film with axe murderers and people boiling small animals!

Could be worse though.....look into their supermarket carrier bag and you'd find a copy of the "What Knitwear 1976" annual.

The lost art of communication

I wasn't sure whether it was my poor hearing or just rudeness on the part of the lady (and I use that term in its broadest possible sense) who serves me tea every morning in the canteen, but I always make a point of saying "Good morning", and have never heard anything in response. So, curiosity (which I wish would kill my cat as he's obviously in the employment of the devil) got the better of me and I actually looked her in the face this morning....and my fears were immediately realised....she said nothing. It's rudeness on a scale I often encounter in London but do my best not to perpetrate.

Tomorrow I shall try to engage her in conversation about the inclement weather, and no doubt this time next year we will be having theological discourses about the rights of man.

Benefits package

It was almost too good to be true. I responded to a query from a new joiner in my team about him taking some personal leave by suggesting he take it out of his annual holiday entitlement and was utterly amazed when he said, and I quote, "Holiday entitlement? We have that?"!

There was, I admit, an instant where I thought about saying that it was my mistake and we only give holiday to those who had been with us for more than a year, but I fear I would have eventually been exposed as a bit of a liar! Innocence and naievety are alive and well and living in London!

Note to self - pick the moment to tell him that he can have Christmas Day, Boxing Day and New Year's Day off too. He will think I'm a great boss!

Lonely hearts club

Why is it that when you look through the 'Personal' columns in the Sunday newspapers (for giggles obviously!) you see adverts for gay men who are straight-acting, but never straight men who are gay-acting?

That competitive streak

I see a chap on the station every morning who strikes me as being the single most competitive person on Gods Earth. I've watched him as he's first onto the train, first to get up and get to the doors as the train is pulling into London, first to get down to the underground platform, and first to get onto the escalator at our mutual destination. This man has no shame. Women, children and sometimes stray animals are mercilessly cut up like some four wheeled predator on the M25. But, I ask myself whether he's happy.

Seeing him first into the station car park at the end of each day, seeing him first to get into his brand new Aston Martin DB9, I've concluded that he might be.

Charity starts at home

Apparently tomorrow is "hug a hippo day", so I've got an early appointment on the village rack to have my arms stretched.

Forbidden fruits

Where would I be without the humble BlackBerry? This curious lesser spotted piece of 21st century technology which keeps me in touch with my colleagues, with what's going on in my tiny corner of the universe, with what I'm supposed to be doing tomorrow and the next day and with the cricket scores when I'm on the train.

I'll tell you where I'd be....in a lot less agony as I wouldn't have RSI in my thumbs. Honestly, even Pacman or Donkey Kong on my Nintendo back in the 1980's wasn't this addictive or so bad for my health!

My late father

Well, here we are. After what seems like an age, I've finally bought into doing what my late father did and have started documenting my life. The notable difference being that I'm doing it as it happens....my father started, and indeed finished it, the day he drowned in a vat of whisky. It took him several hours, as he had to climb out three times to relieve himself.

It's doubtful, as my father found out to his cost, that we'll get past paragraph four, but hope springs eternal. At least I'll be using a half decent keyboard as opposed to my father who used fingernails on the sides of a large copper basin.