Calm? Do I look like I'm calm???

You know when you've got a creative imagination when you see a sign saying "Traffic Calming Measures Now In Place" and mentally see images of angels gently stroking the bonnets of all manner of het up cars and vans. Mmmm, I can almost hear the sound of soothing classical music wafting over the carriageway to wipe away the road-rage of our vehicular cousins!

Resolved mysteries of the world...

Number 21 - Part-Time Signals

For years I've wondered what part time signals did when they weren't required for traffic duty. According to a recent survey, it turns out that 97% of them are either ballroom dance teachers, lavatory attendants or park keepers. The other 3% are doing an Art course at night-school.

I feel much better for knowing that.

Times are hard!

In the good old days there was a swanky machine that a chap on the station pushed to dispense salt when it was frosty and slippy underfoot. Now to my surprise it has been replaced by an old bloke with a bucket of salt who has to slide along the platform sowing it as though it were bird seed! Oh how the mighty have fallen!

I've got a sole flapping off my shoe!

You never notice that small hole in the sole of your shoe until it is wet underfoot and too late! You spend the rest of the day with a soggy sock, although an alternative strategy is to try to dry it with the hand dryer in the Gents and look a fool to anyone who enters.

Oh to be sure...it's a miracle

It's not often that I feel compelled to write a non train journey related blog, but tonight I've just watched Ireland beat Pakistan in the Cricket World Cup. A triumph of under-doggedness (if that is a word?) over skill and history, and I love it! Just a pity that England couldn't do the same thing yesterday over the Kiwi's.

Things I wish I'd invented...

Number 34 - Battery Powered Sat-Nav Shoes

Specifically designed for those times when you've been out on the lash, the world is spinning on more than one axis and you can't see your way home. These little babies will see you right!

The look that says it all...

Number 27 - That look of disappointment and anger at not being able to find a seat on the train even when you've paid several thousand pounds for a ticket ('season', rather than 'single' I hope!).

The brow is furrowed, the nose is squished up, the eyes lift skywards and deaf people all around can lip read the words "oh f*ck it" mimed silently but with passion!

Flight fright!

Given my intense fear of flying, yesterday's trip to Edinburgh was a little daunting! Whilst the car picking me up from my home and delivering me into the internal hell hole that is 'Heathrow' was kind of OK, the rest of the journey was pure hell.

How should I feel when the stewardess comes on the tannoy and says "if we land on water please use the escape routes over the wings"?

My suspicion, having watched several movies and televisual treats is that if we dare to touch down on water, we will sink and ultimately drown. I actually found myself looking at all of the other passengers and trying to work out which ones I would have to climb over to get to the escape exits.

That said, on the way back we flew in over London and I saw Canary Wharf, the London Eye and Tower Bridge all lit up like a Christmas Tree - very nice!

Food, glorious food...

My conversation with the bespoke sandwich lady at work went something like this:

Me: Hi, can I have tuna mayo on ciabatta with some tomato and onion please.

She busies herself by slicing open the bread and putting a scoop of tuna mayo on it.

Her: Anyfink else?

Me: Yes, tomato and onion please.

She looks blankly at me and puts some tomato slices on top of the tuna mayo.

Her: Anyfink else?

Me: Yes, some onion please.

Clearly not concerned at her own ignorance, she put some onion on the tomato slices.

Her: Anyfink else?

At this point whilst it would have been tempting to say that I wanted a large pina colada with half a pound of fruit and a cocktail umbrella in it, I decided that hunger had set in and I just wanted my lunch.