Tunnel of love

Apparently tomorrow is 'harass a hamster' day. Other than wave a cardboard tube and a lighter in front of the cage shouting 'you know you want to...' I'm not absolutely sure what I can do.

Or is it gerbils?

Last night a DJ saved my life

Boredom set in yesterday, and I invented a new game to play when you are on the train. It's appropriately called 'Count up how many different types of headphones you can see'. A catchy title indeed!

For added fun you can score one point for 'in the ear' models, two points for standard 'over the ear' models, and five points for massive, oversized 'DJ' models that have no place on a cramped train where space is limited. Note that you lose 50 points if they are also using a deck.

Is that a canoe in your pocket?

"Have you no shame?" I wanted to cry out at the chap on the platform this morning who was wearing a pair of trousers with an elasticated waist band! To be fair, this was only part of the problem. He also appeared, to my very amateur eye, to be sporting a stiffy (technical term!). I know I catch an early train but it was still an inappropriate and uncalled for version of morning glory!

Just imagine if it was the thought of the elasticated waist band that had had the effect!

What's cooking tonight?

A recent conversation with friends made me remember that my best mate, who also happens to be my 'best man', has a knack of breaking the handles off of cookers.

To date he's nobbled my mother's cooker (fifteen years ago), my friend's oven and maybe my old microwave too (now that I think about it...a long time after the event!).

I think it happens when he's drunk and pretends to hump the cooker (some kind of visual gag I'm sure!)....maybe we need to have a conversation before the big day given that we're having a spit roast!

Twenty minutes on gas mark four

There must be a word or a phrase to describe the feeling you have when you buy something new, unpack it, piece it together using poor instructions (including when you have to take it apart again and then re-jig it in the right order), get it all together and find it doesn't actually do what it says on the tin.

This afternoon, it happened to be a patio heater, but it could have been anything. All I wanted was a spring evening sipping wine on a slightly warmer patio than normal.....I might as well have plugged a hair dryer into an extension cable and pointed it towards me.

I can only assume that if the manufacturer decided that propane was better than butane (as was duly noted in the instructions) then it ought to f*cking work with the stuff. To read that it was test fired in the factory, thus insinuating that if it didn't work in my back garden it was my fault, was frankly taking the piss.

Let's hope their customer service department doesn't disappoint me in the same way. I suspect another post on this subject is only a day or so away!

Clean me up before you go go

When you stay at your friends houses, do you unconsciously make a note of how many hotel soaps and lotions are in their 'family' or 'guest' bathroom? I do, and then I score them out of ten for quantity, placement and brand!

As ever, bonus points are awarded to those who cleverly leave a little shower cap and sewing kit on the side!

For some reason though, unlike when staying in a hotel, I never feel the urge to steal them and put them in my wash bag!!!