Come back later

Apparently most maternity wards these days have what is called a 'triage suite'. I knew nothing about the purpose of such a place so asked the midwife. She said that this is where pregnant ladies go when they turn up at the hospital after labour has started so that an assessment can be made as to the stage of labour they're at.

What appears to happen is a midwife or doctor checks you out and then sends you home unless the baby's head is already showing.

You may as well call it the 'time wasters suite'.

Pain relief

During one of the ante natal meetings it was unbelievable that one of the expectant mothers asked if giving birth was more painful than breaking your leg skiing.

I think most of us, whether we had either broken our leg skiing or given birth, assumed that it was probably the latter, and indeed the midwife agreed.

Lies and damned lies

During the tour of the local maternity unit, one of the expectant mothers asked if it was true that during a water birth you had to pull your own baby out (and I don't mean out of the water!).

Despite everyone else looking incredulous, she was adamant that her local midwife had told her this! I think not.

No sh!t, Sherlock...

Gratifying to know that the best piece of advice that the midwife could offer at the first ante natal meeting we went to was "now, ladies, you must open your legs when you give birth otherwise the baby can't come out".

Seek and ye shall find

Imagine my surprise when I was sorting through the attic and stumbled across the Ark of the Covenant. This mystical object has been missing for nearly two thousand years and hey presto it appears in my loft.

The question is, what to do with it now? Obvious options include putting it on display in the British Museum, using it as a trinket box or taking it to the Antiques Roadshow for a valuation. I prefer the latter just to see the look on Michael Aspel's face.

The pangs of jealousy!

I've thought for a long time that luxuries don't have to be expensive, and I have to say that pangs of jealousy have, over the last couple of years, been aimed at one of my best mates.......he has a beer bottle opener fixed to his kitchen wall near the fridge!

However, times are changing and not only was I bought one for Christmas, but now I have it firmly installed in my kitchen!

The tapestry of life has never been so rich!