Count the rings IV

Even more signs that you're getting old:

- you keep a camera in the car in case you have an accident
- you leave the dining table to go and watch the Queen's Speech on Christmas Day
- you buy 'off the peg' reading glasses even though they're not quite the right prescription

A good sport

Looking through some old school reports the other day I was reminded that I was never regarded as particularly athletic. One of my teachers said that "he tries hard despite his lack of flexibility", and another suggested that "he takes up bowls".

Never good for a young lad to hear those kind of messages, but I suppose they have had a direct effect on me now being an expert at 'Elephant Polo' which is played at my kind of pace!

Lies and damned lies

I'd like to tell the person who has been claiming that I'm anorexic that it's not true. I can read and write as well as anyone else.

The emergency exits are here, here and here

On a recent trip to Berlin, I flew a budget airline with no reserved seating, which left me to work out for myself where to sit.

I found myself considering the following:

- a window seat to get a good view
- an aisle seat to escape quickly if the plane lands on water
- next to the pretty blond (also to get a good view)
- in the hold to avoid the balding middle aged man, the fat ugly woman and the family with the screaming child!

Language barrier

There's a chap I see of a lunchtime who reads a book called 'One minute Japanese'. He seems to read it every day and has been for the last three months, and whilst I appreciate that it's a very hard language, after that much time if you haven't mastered it then you might as well give up.

Hello boys...

The tube was so crowded this morning that I spent what I thought was an enjoyable 15 minutes bouncing off the breasts of the lady behind me. I say I thought it was enjoyable.....it was at the time, but when I turned round at my journey's end I found that she looked like the product of an ill fated drunken romp between Satan and a wooly mammoth.

Jobs for the boys?

There was a bloke on the train this morning in a suit, a silly Obelix style hat and a Pac Man belt. Surely with that lack of self respect he must be a computer programmer.

Added bonus!

I recently got great service in my local hairdressers which markets itself as being perfect for aurally impaired people....but I did only ask for a blow dry!

One way traffic...

You know the journey to work will be fraught with problems when the announcer says "The eastbound service to Stratford is currently going westbound so it needs to turn round before it gets here...".

Hardly instils confidence does it?

Laugh and the world laughs with you!

Driving up to see my parents last weekend I was stuck in a traffic jam when something got my attention to my right. So I turned to see what it was and was amazed to see a bloke painted up as a clown leaning out of his car window smiling at me and waving.

After the amusing double take, all I could do was laugh and applaud him! Nutter.

An Englishman's castle...

I've just built a house out of a giant book. It just goes to prove there really is no place like tome!

Tax doesn't have to be taxing...

Things more enjoyable than completing your tax return:

- beating your tongue wafer thin with a meat tenderiser
- french kissing a skunk
- death by firing squad for a crime you didn't commit

Economies of scale

No wonder rail fares are on the rise. My local station now has two people posted on the doors to the platform to check tickets, and then there's another person who checks them on the train itself. Three salaries when installing a ticket barrier would probably do the trick.

Still at least they're doing their bit to keep unemployment down!

Sign of the times

Signs you never see - number 11

"Tea leaves operate in this area" in large letters in a staff canteen.

These boots were made for walking

I'm all in favour of the disabled and those with small children to have the benefit of using a lift to get down to underground platforms....but I'm not sure that I agree with people who need to go on a diet using them too. Walking down the stairs might be a healthier option.

Dedicated follower of fashion

Men with small feet look silly, as do short fat men who wear long pointy shoes.

Both of these however pail into insignificance compared to men who wear what look like black leather work shoes, but on closer inspection have velcro fasteners like trainers from the 1980's. This is just plain wrong, although not as wrong as brown shoes with a black suit.

Ch...ch...changes

My wife says that after several years together, I'm not the same man that she married.

Technically this is true, but only since my sex change operation.

Whatever must have happened?

Traveling on the underground the other day I noticed that the handrail I was holding had a human size bite mark in it.

What could possibly have happened on this particular carriage to have made someone try to take a chunk out of a solid bit of plastic?

For the moment I would prefer to rule out any form of sexual activity (maybe naive of me but...), so my money is on the owner not being able to stand the smell of his fellow passengers and biting the handrail to get through the pain until the next station.

Other suggestions are welcome.

Touchy feely...

Inadvertently touching someone's leg when you sit next to them is always bad. Blokes think you're gay and women think you're a pervert.

I'm happy to say that I am only one of those things.

Save the trees!

My parents are very helpfully recycling their old newspapers and making briquettes for me to use on my open fire during the winter. Basically you mush the newspapers down into a pulp by soaking them overnight in water and then you make the briquettes with a small metal press.

This, you would have thought would be exceedingly environmentally friendly - not so. Instead of letting the briquettes dry naturally outside during the summer months, my lovely parents are turning their heating on and drying them both on radiators and in the airing cupboard!

Hardly carbon neutral is it?!

Please be seated

Queuing up to get on the tube the other evening after work, I noticed a chap in front of me who had a rucksack with what looked like metal legs on the back of it. I didn't think much of it until he got onto the crowded carriage, and proceeded to convert his rucksack into a seat, pull out a book and sit down to read it.

Ingenious yes. But he looked like a cock.

Definitions

From the oxtail English dictionary - number 27 - "Irony":

When you're travelling to work and you have a heart attack en route and are fading away, the last thing you see is a sign on the train flashing before your eyes saying "This is London Bridge, your final destination"

Slip, slap, slop!

Ok so the weekend was really hot. Beautiful sunny days and the chance to sit in the garden.

But when I reclined on the deck chair and closed my eyes, all I could think about was that we are 93 million miles away from the sun.....and if it feels this hot on earth, imagine how bloody hot it would be if you were a bit closer!

I began to panic about which sun factor cream I would have to buy if I was a space tourist.

Vegetable power

Driving along a fairly busy 'A' road recently, I saw a sign that read 'Fresh Asparagus - 250 yards on your right'. Now I might be wrong, but I've never seen Asparagus as much of an impulse buy, and I'm not aware that you can use it instead of petrol, diesel, gas or indeed electricity to run your car.

I can only hope that they don't have fields of the stuff, or the EU will have another 'mountain' on its hands fairly soon.

Count the rings III

Yet more signs that show you're getting old:

- varifocal or reactolite glasses sound fun
- you start ironing your pyjamas
- you do the washing up to save on dishwasher tablets

The Bank of Knotty Ash

It's not every morning that you walk past a bank and see a man going in with a feather duster! At 6.42am it was definitely too early for a stick up, so I can only assume he was making the plastic plants look more life-like or he was doing impressions of Ken Dodd. If the latter, I do hope CCTV footage of this exists and can be posted on the interweb soon.

Moving the goalposts

I saw a job advertised the other day which said "Chief Operating Officer - North Africa, negotiable", so I negotiated and managed to get it changed to East Sussex.

Laugh I nearly shat

I love my mother, but one thing I never thought I would see her do was fish pieces of my daughters turd out of the bath.

If I had to award marks out of ten I think I would give her 6 for skill (she missed several times), 8 for ingenuity (she found a plastic sieve) and 10 for actually doing it (when all around her were laughing until they cried).

MIdwifery secrets

Three things the midwife never told you:

- a hot bath, a hot curry and hot sex do actually work
- push like you're having a crap
- don't tell the dad that the little one looks like their uncle Henry

Thinking of others

I must have too much time on my hands on the train in the mornings. I've now had a chance to reword the sign on the back of the seats that have more legroom (near the doors):

Please show consideration for others and give this seat up when required. This seat is intended for:

- fat people
- mouth breathers
- that boy with a spiky bowl cut, acute acne and more bling than the royal family

Please remember the need for this seat may not be immediately obvious (unless they are wearing a shell suit).

Count the rings II

Three more signs that show you're getting old:

- you fart uncontrollably in shops
- the baths advertised in Sunday magazines that have doors to get in and out of suddenly seem cool
- the 25 year age gap between you and the girl you fancy doesn't seem that bad as it's still legal

Why, oh why...

Driving along on the motorway the other day, I saw a clapped out shed of a car being driven by an elderly couple. Nothing memorable about that...other than the old chap had actually tied two rolls of kitchen roll behind the drivers head rest.

I've been racking my brains to work out why and all I've come up with is that they go on picnics quite a lot and it's handy to have something to wipe your hands on. Either that or they go out dogging quite a lot and it's to clean the inside of the car.

Happy traveller

Bored on the motorway? When you approach a junction look up at the lights and see how many of the them aren't on (surprisingly more than you'd hope!)...then have a quick grumble about how much road tax you pay.

Underground passages

I always get confused on the Northern Line when the driver announces "The next station is Oval". I'm sure it's not just my imagination, but most of the tunnels appear to be this shape! I think it has something to do with the design of the cutting gear.

Different mediums

I remember my dad coming home with his new car when I was in my teens and he confidently claimed it had a CD player. I was impressed, as in those days CD players in cars were definitely a status symbol, and I could get some serious 'cred' points at school for this (albeit in a Vauxhall when all the other dads had Bentley's)!

The truth hit home when I got out to the car and I found it only had a tape player...

All I can liken it to is when you're wearing a pair of nice white jeans, you've been out for a few beers, you're on the train home and you fart and follow through. No matter how hard you try to cover it up, the secret leaks out.

Lock him up and throw away the key!

Possibly the lamest excuse I heard when I was on jury service was from the defendant who apologized for tearing a policeman's trousers off with his teeth. He said that he mistook the policeman for a postman as it's hard to tell the difference when they take their hats off.

Safety first

You never see signs that say "in case of an emergency it is usually safest to cower in a corner". Pity, as that's generally where I would be.

Greener environment?

I read with horror today that a number of goats had recently died on a new wind farm in Taiwan. Apparently, the noise of the turbines stopped the goats from sleeping and one by one they died from exhaustion.

Wherever there's a problem, there's got to be a solution and given how many wind farms are due to built over the next 30 years, I think there might be a big market for animal ear defenders.

They could come in a variety of colours and sizes to fit all of God's creatures. It's even possible that well known designers and fashion gurus would do their own slant on the idea.

But one thing is for sure. They'd be too cool for cats.

Thick as a plank

A recent poll for a travel website suggested that unbelievably one in ten of the population wouldn't recognise a sheep. Presumably these are the same people I encounter on the tube who haven't been able to identify deodorant.

Dog eat dog world

Having spent the morning in Accident & Emergency because my daughter woke up rather poorly, I was a little shocked by the attitude of both me and my wife. It was clear that when we arrived, we mentally checked out everyone in the waiting room (and indeed did the same to people coming in whilst we were there) to determine whether they were more ill than our daughter.....in a vain attempt to establish in which order we would get to see a doctor.

I didn't have much sympathy for the girl who had obviously sprained her ankle whilst drunk the previous evening, or the fat bloke who had problems with his knees. However, the young lad with one eye swollen to the size of a balloon and the woman coughing up her insides were probably slightly more needy than us.

Thankfully, all was well and we are now back at home as a family!

Wind power

I read last week that feeding fish oil to livestock reduces their flatulence and therefore the amount of greenhouse gases they release into the atmosphere. Given how many cows are on the planet it strikes me that governments should be tackling this problem rather than creating policies to pillage the poor motorist.

The final frontier

Unanswered question - number 72

Do space rental companies also sell galaxies?

More Mr Competitive

It struck me the other day that whilst Mr Competitive does everything in his power to get in front of other people, he's missed one golden opportunity. He doesn't get onto the train on the first carriage, he gets on the third carriage instead (which then puts him behind other people when we alight from the train).

The only conclusion I can draw from this is that if the train was involved in a head on collision, then his chances of survival would be better further down the train. Presumably the third carriage represents the best balance (in his warped mind) between being first and being safe.

I reckon he's scared. He doesn't want to die. Which is ironic, because that's exactly what I wish for him.

The vagaries of language

I read with amusement a couple of weeks back that a suit of King Henry VIII's armour was being flown back to Britain from America to be reunited with its arms for the first time in 100 years at the Dressed to Kill exhibition at The Tower of London.

Visions of an emotional event with a museum curator attaching the arms back on to rapturous applause flooded my mind......only to realise that 'arms' actually meant 'weaponry' when I read that the exhibition was all about swords and spears.

Hair today, gone tomorrow

Unanwered questions - number 19

Do they air brush unwanted hair out of underwear shots in catalogues?

Count the rings

Three signs that show you're getting old:

- you buy jeans with an elasticated waist
- you take your slippers round to other people's houses
- a little bit of wee comes out when you laugh

Naming conventions

When you go shopping for clothes you're confronted with sections with names like 'Sports Wear' for apparel associated with physical exertion and 'Formal Wear' for work or those evenings when you go and take in a show. Why therefore aren't bras and knickers referred to as 'Tit and Bum Wear'?

Older

Several years ago me and my dad went round to visit my grandfather on a Sunday morning, and fairly soon after we arrived I put the kettle on and started looking for the teapot.

Nothing unusual about that other than when opened the cupboard I not only found the teapot (with a hand knitted tea cosy that looked like it had survived both World Wars), but I also found tomorrows breakfast already prepared (cereal with sugar already sprinkled on top). Subsequent visits always yielded similar results so I know it wasn't a one off.

What sort of madman prepares the next days food and stashes it in a cupboard? I know he was lonely and probably bored but that is extreme!

Anyway, my wife recently found a teabag in a mug which I had put away in a cupboard....she suspects I'm turning into my grandfather.

Well, burger me...

I always judge a pub by the variety of its ale and the quality of its burger.

A few years ago, I used to go to the George, and their burger was definitely a patriotic affair - topped with red tomato, white mayo and finished with blue cheese.

More recently I sampled The Plough burger and it was a magnificent affair and brought back memories of a bygone age....cheddar cheese, chunky pickle with a side of salad and root vegetables.

The burger I had at the Cock Inn....well, it looked more like a hot dog.

Wet and wild

I was thinking of taking my 10 month old daughter swimming but I always feel odd and somehow vulnerable if I take my contact lenses and hearing aids out.

Now I'm not adverse to wearing goggles to protect my eyes but I'm not sure what to do about the hearing aids. I doubt you can buy ear goggles. A full on diving helmet would be excessive for a leisure pool with 4ft of water, and I'm not sure home made ear shower caps held on with rubber bands would look right.

Thinking of others

On most trains these days they ask you to be considerate to other passengers by keeping personal audio music and mobile phone conversations to a minimum. They don't mention farting loudly, snoring or playing tropical bongos.

Mystery solved...I think

Having given the curious case of the upturned umbrellas more thought than any grown man should, I've come to the conclusion that the only valid reason for doing it is to stop cats or dogs from getting up on the sofa and sleeping/clawing/tiddling etc.

Either that or the owner of the house stands in the dining room and tries to chip golf balls into them for fun.

Archeology

I have to say that I've always been jealous of our forebears...particularly the chap who goes by the name of H.Erectus in scientific journals. His friends just called him 'Homo'.

Big ones!

Having walked past many, many office windows on the way to work, I find myself wondering whether the number of monitors that one can clearly see displayed on their desks has a direct correlation to the bonuses they get. I'm hoping for 'inverse proportions' myself! Just like the bonnet's of the car's they own.

Actually, the number of monitors on your desk has somehow become a status symbol for city types but I think it just means you are last in Gods great chain.....clearly you are the one having to do the work!

Wanted!

How often have you been tempted to advertise something slightly crude in the 'Part Time Positions' section of the local paper? I can think of some, but no doubt you can think of your own!!!

Oh, it's just me is it?

Funny guy

I've reached that stage where my daughter thinks I'm the funniest person alive. I don't have to do very much to get a smile, a laugh or even sometimes a shriek of delight. After much thought, I've decided to embrace this and I now try to get a laugh at every opportunity...in the vain hope that it will somehow dull the pain when she's in her teens and she publicly says how much she hates me and that I don't love her anymore.

More mysteries...

See entry on the January 9th...

Having walked passed the house again today, there are now two umbrellas upside down on the sofa. The large black golf umbrella has been joined by its smaller, briefcase sized cousin.

I still can't work it out.

Size matters...

You always get the suspicion that when they forecast six inches of snow, the amount you actually get will be dependent on the sex of the weather forecaster!!!

Things you learn as a father

Number 19 - personal grooming

Always keep your finger nails short if you have to change nappies in the middle of the night with low lighting. It can help you avoid all sorts of horrors.

Feline worries

After an enjoyable two week break over Christmas, during which by black overcoat was hung on a bedroom door, you can imagine my amazement when I put it on and discovered it was covered in cat hair.

How did that happen?

Firstly, I don't know of a cat that sleeps vertically on doors, and secondly (and perhaps more importantly), I don't own a cat.

Out with the old...

Having taken the decision to clear out the loft, I came across all of my old school notebooks and files. Whilst going through them was an interesting trip down memory lane, I was struck by three things.

Firstly, I was impressed that my revision notes were so thorough (which ultimately led to academic success!). Secondly, I was amazed how my drawings of bunsen burners, in my 'Physics' notebooks, looked like the male sex organ. Thirdly, it was great to find that my 'Biology' notebooks were full to the bursting with drawings of the male sex organ looking uncannily like the space shuttle.

After nearly 18 years of reflection, what didn't surprise me was that my application to join NASA was rejected without an interview.

The mystery of the upturned umbrella

I pass a house each day on my walk to the station which always has its curtains open and the lights on, even at stupid O'clock in the morning. Being an inquisitive fellow, I don't think it rude to have a look and see if anything interesting is happening.

However, all you can ever see is an upturned black umbrella on the sofa. Nothing more, nothing less.

What strikes me as odd is twofold. Firstly, if it had been raining and you'd been caught in a slight shower and used your umbrella, you would never think to let the water drip onto a clean, dry sofa would you? Surely the kitchen floor would be a better bet. Secondly, each time I've seen the umbrella, it hasn't actually been raining.

So, logic suggests that there is another reason for this article having been placed there. But what could it be?

In the old days...

So legend has it, the difference between 'flu' and a 'heavy cold' was the ability to pick a twenty pound note up off the floor...if you had 'flu' you simply couldn't.

Here we are in the 21st century and times have changed. Given that I've been stricken (and I use that word advisedly) with a 'heavy cold' recently, I couldn't use my BlackBerry for two days...and I'm fairly sure that in old money that would equate to twenty pounds...but I will never admit to having 'man flu'.