Laugh I nearly shat

I love my mother, but one thing I never thought I would see her do was fish pieces of my daughters turd out of the bath.

If I had to award marks out of ten I think I would give her 6 for skill (she missed several times), 8 for ingenuity (she found a plastic sieve) and 10 for actually doing it (when all around her were laughing until they cried).

MIdwifery secrets

Three things the midwife never told you:

- a hot bath, a hot curry and hot sex do actually work
- push like you're having a crap
- don't tell the dad that the little one looks like their uncle Henry

Thinking of others

I must have too much time on my hands on the train in the mornings. I've now had a chance to reword the sign on the back of the seats that have more legroom (near the doors):

Please show consideration for others and give this seat up when required. This seat is intended for:

- fat people
- mouth breathers
- that boy with a spiky bowl cut, acute acne and more bling than the royal family

Please remember the need for this seat may not be immediately obvious (unless they are wearing a shell suit).

Count the rings II

Three more signs that show you're getting old:

- you fart uncontrollably in shops
- the baths advertised in Sunday magazines that have doors to get in and out of suddenly seem cool
- the 25 year age gap between you and the girl you fancy doesn't seem that bad as it's still legal

Why, oh why...

Driving along on the motorway the other day, I saw a clapped out shed of a car being driven by an elderly couple. Nothing memorable about that...other than the old chap had actually tied two rolls of kitchen roll behind the drivers head rest.

I've been racking my brains to work out why and all I've come up with is that they go on picnics quite a lot and it's handy to have something to wipe your hands on. Either that or they go out dogging quite a lot and it's to clean the inside of the car.