Silence is golden

...unless you are waiting for an NHS hearing aid.

Swingers R Us

Another advert that caught my eye whilst in Berlin recently was the following:

"Small group meets every 3 weeks for board games, eat, drink and socialise."

Why do I get the feeling that it should have also said ".....must be broad minded and be prepared to throw car keys into a pot for random excitement."

'X' marks the spot

Some kind fellow has spray painted a yellow cross where I normally stand on the railway platform. No doubt to tell me where to stand lest I forget (given that I've been standing there every morning for the past 4 years)........or is it because they need to replace an unstable slab?

I can but hope!

Honesty is the best policy

Whilst in Berlin recently I happened upon the following advert in the main English language magazine:

"You are female, couple or group of females and want to have vacation in Greece. I will have sex with the females and will accomodate you in 5 places. Interested?".

I would love to know how successful this honest approach is!

I'm incommunicado....which is a village just outside Lisbon

Fun game for the train - number 52

Try turning the "Bluetooth" mode on whilst you are on the train and search for other handsets. Once you've got all of the entries and have ignored "Nokia 6500", "BlackBerry Pearl" and "I am C3-PO human-cyborg relations" you can laugh out loud at the names people have chosen for their 21st century communication devices. I particularly like looking round the carriage for the owners of "Pete likes arse", "Hugh G Rection" and "Studeley Goodbang", because you can tell them a mile away!

That said, when you're in a carriage full of men and you realise someone has named their phone "*xx* barbie *xx*" you really do wonder what the world is coming to!

Lost and found

Senility happens to us all eventually but I found it particularly sad earlier in the week when my father picked me up from the airport. He dutifully parked in the car park, came to arrivals to meet me and by the time we had got back to the car park (approximately 5 minutes later) he had forgotten where he had parked. It then took us another 20 minutes to find the car which resulted in a charge of £2.40 to get out!

Big jugs!

I had an interesting walk yesterday evening along the canals in Amsterdam with my boss and my bosses boss who happened to be a local.

Having not visited this great old city since a geography field trip when I was 15, I was saddened by how many more women had to warm themselves in the windows of their tiny tenements under red heat lamps. The poor souls.

That said, I learnt a lot about the value of property and what you get for your euro, and here are three examples I came across (each had a number so I could instantly recall them!). Flat 34A was first up and rather small and unimaginatively upholstered. 36C was slightly more rounded but craved ambient lighting to make it really work and lastly there was 38DD which needed some TLC and would be a handful even if you just used it as a weekend retreat...

The clinic

If it had been an episode of 'Sesame Street' then it would have been brought to you with the words 'arse' and 'elbow' and the number '69'. Instead this was a visit to the local midwife who is advising us on the the arrival of our first child.

Midwife: "Yes, darling, just go up and book your anti-natal classes with the Clinic Clerk."
My wife: "Hello, the Midwife said I should book anti-natal classes with you."
Clinic clerk "No, sorry you can't book these unless you've filled in the form."
My wife: "What form?"
Clinic clerk "The form the Midwife gave you."
My wife: "The Midwife didn't give me any forms."
Clinic clerk: "There should have been a form in the welcome pack. In a plastic envelope."
My wife: "I never got a plastic envelope, just the standard pack full of magazines."
Clinic clerk: "... I'll try and find one."
My wife waits
Clinic clerk comes back: "I don't know what they've done with them."
Clinic clerk goes off and searches some more, returns with a not very well photocopied form.
Clinic clerk: "If you want to fill it in now we can get you booked in as local classes get very busy."
My wife fills in form and hands it over
My wife: "Can I also give you this to be stamped and posted?" (as told by midwfe, to save postage)
Clinic clerk: "Well i'll stamp it for you but you may as well post it yourself."
Form gets stamped and returned to my wife
My wife: "Can I also book in to see the Midwife at 24 weeks?"
Clinic clerk: "You need Tuesday 6th February, but she's not done her calendar yet so I can't book you in. You'll have to call back in a few weeks."
My wife goes to receptionist to book in with GP who also hasn't done his calendar...

My mind runs back to the 1970's when Dick Emery was in his prime and at the end of each of his TV shows he had his 'comedy of errors' which showed the out-takes from his sketches. Unfortunately with real life you don't get a second chance...

Half truths!

After much wailing and nashing of teeth, I've finally discovered what happens to liars when they die. They lie still.

See no evil, hear no evil...

Being a person who lives quite happily with partial hearing, I had never really considered what it would be like to be visually impaired or even blind, but an experience last week made me think.

A few of my colleagues and I went to the Blindekuh (Blind Cow) restaurant in Zurich - nothing groundbreaking about that you might think - other than all of the staff are visually impaired and you sit, eat and drink in total darkness. No lights, no mobile phones or iPod screens to light things up a bit......only the odd glow of the dials on peoples watches.

Its amazing how you adapt quite quickly and use your senses of hearing, touch and smell to survive. Highlights were holding the wine glass and bottle next to my ear to try to gauge how much I was pouring, and gamely pushing non existent food onto my fork with amusing regularity!

As I said...it makes you think!

Multi-tasking madness!

How off putting to sit next to a bloke on the train last week who spent the whole journey speaking loudly on the phone. Moreso was the fact that he used his other hand to both eat a takeaway curry and intermittently scratch his balls. Who says men aren't multi-tasking?

A flare for fashion

I'm not quite sure why the fat ugly woman on the station wears such odd trousers. They're difficult to describe other than they are black and flared. What I find unusual, being a dedicated follower of fashion, is that the flares go from side to side rather than from front to back (and I reckon are about 18 inches in width). This gives the overall appearance of someone lacking any sense of self-respect. I've seen tents with more style.

White noise

I never realised how loud the wheels on my travel bag were until I dragged it to the station last Wednesday morning in readiness for my trip to Frankfurt. It felt like I would not only wake everyone who lives en route but also the hounds of hell. I even turned the volume up on my IPod to try to drown out the noise.

Maybe I should ask the council to resurface the paths to make them smoother.

The Bishop (as in 'tugging the...')

Thank you to the bloke on the platform this morning who decided he needed to rearrange his 'tackle' in view of everyone. A nice touch was the way he actually went onto tip toes right at the end of his act and had one final aggressive tug. Eight out of ten for artistic integrity. Nought out of ten for wearing cheap, grey, track suit bottoms......if only I had seen him park his beat up white van in the car park...

Bavarian madness

To have only fallen off the table I was dancing on once at Oktoberfest in Munich on Thursday evening was most definately a result given the amount of beer drunk! Next year I might even go the whole hog and buy some lederhosen and a pair of leather braces and a tight white shirt. At least I can take the two novelty hats I bought this year with me!!!

Fashion victim?

Fashion statement or fashion victim? Even I wouldn't wear a pair of bronze dalek cufflinks like the bloke I saw on the train yesterday. If it were me they would at least have diamonds on the tips of their antennae.

The Little People...

I was impressed with the hotel I stayed in a couple of weeks ago. They catered for absolutely everyone as they had spy holes in the bedroom doors at both three and five feet so it was good for adults, children and hobbits!

Why oh why?!?

Whilst sitting on a park bench with a handkerchief on your head might protect you from the sun on a hot day, it also makes you look like a complete prat. Don't do it!

Time waits for no man....or woman!

Never good when someone asks you what time you left a particular party, you can't remember so they tell you that you were still going strong when they left at 3.15am.

Worse still in the morning when someone you work with says "you gotta help me find out whose room I slept in last night".

Stop, thief...

It must be my age, but yesterday I managed to lose a towel and my face flannel on the way from the washing machine to the tumble drier. It wasn't until I returned to the drier a couple of hours later and emptied the contents that I realised I was short of those two important items.

I actually decided that I couldn't have put them in the washer in the first place, but on more careful inspection, one damp towel was stuck thinly and out of sight to the drum of the washing machine (hiding deliberately from me in my opinion) and the flannel was later discovered in the box by the drier that I use to empty the 'fluff' into that the machine itself collects and indeed hoards.

Not one of my most impressive displays, and I can't even say that alcohol was involved as I am currently abstaining. Another bad idea in my opinion.

Two Cee Vee Two

Further to my previous post I now stand corrected. The Citroen 2CV has indeed moved and is no longer there. What I find more surpising is that the wheels are in fact now in the drive and the bricks have gone. Oh if I could have seen how it left...

Two Cee Vee

Of all the unbelievable things I've seen this really has to take the biscuit. On my way to the station there is a house which for as long as I can remember (at least 3 years) has had a fairly tired looking Citroen 2CV in the drive. It clearly doesn't go very far if indeed at all given the amount of algae and rust, and I seem to remember seeing its sister vehicle in the drive for a while which may have been used for spares.

So imagine my surprise when I was walking past at just after 6.30am earlier to find the owner trying to fix the damn thing. From my amateur eye there were various bits of car on the floor, a very ropey old tool kit and lots of nashing of teeth/pulling out of hair.

Needless to say that I don't expect the car to be moving any time soon given there are still bricks for wheels - I assume he has noticed this.

Technology war!

A plea to all mobile phone manufacturers - can you please programme a decent selection of sexually suggestive and down right offensive words into your predictive text engines to save me having to add them every time I upgrade my handset. I'm especially fed up of having to correct the words "ducking" and "punt".

Horsing about

I know its easy to get confused but I really thought my local pub had started giving away a pony with every pint sold. It turns out that it was just a free house and I had mis-read the sign.

Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk...

Things to do before I die - number 43

Grow a beard, buy a pair of tight white flares and borrow a video camera so that I can remake the 'Staying Alive' video originally made by that popular close harmony singing troupe 'The Bee Gees'....actually, my mother has just bought a new video camera so an embryonic plan is now hatching inside my mind.

To be continued...

You choose...

Is it just me that wonders why when people get on a train and they have a choice between the large comfy seats with arms or the small cramped ones they go for the latter?

First pint!

History has been made.....literally an hour and a half ago I pulled my first ever pint (albeit in my local). I'm pretty sure that after 16 years of solid drinking this is a result.....but the proof of the pudding will be me being allowed to do it when the pub is actually open to normal punters rather than drunk locals who are still there at 1am!!!

Is it a bird or a plane?

Amazing story in the news recently. Apparently scientists have discovered a rock that is very similar to 'kryptonite', the fictional substance in the Superman films (the headline read 'Scientists discover Kryptonite').

My hopes were slightly dashed when I read the story in full and I learned that kryptonite is a green crystal which saps the incredible superhuman powers of our fictional hero and this new found rock is a white crystal and totally harmless.

So other than those two things, the likeness is uncanny! That said I doubt it has been tested on anyone from the planet Krypton, so you never know!

Big boys toys

Sitting in the departure lounge of London City Airport is like watching a load of kids playing on handheld computer games. In this instance they are allegedly adults and the devices happen to be BlackBerry's.

Playing away from home

Away on business a few weeks ago, you can imagine my amusement when I got to my hotel room to find it had a plaque on the door which read "Cynthia Payne (Madam Cyn) Adult Party Hostess Stayed In This Room".

That alone made me chuckle, but to find the room contained a four poster, red walls and shiny red scatter cushions suggested to me that Madam Cyn had had a hand in decorating the place too.

For everything else there really is Mastercard!

Ooh, suits you sir!

Unresolved questions - number 63

Do you fold your suit jacket inside out and place it on the over head storage shelves on trains, or just fold it normally? Vote now and win a prize!

I always fold mine normally, but then end up feeling like a complete amateur when the wizened old traveller goes inside out!

Ground floor perfumery, stationery and leather goods, wigs and haberdashery, kitchenware and food, going up!

I saw a chap earlier with the thinnest briefcase ever. It must be all of about half a centimeter wide, and it doesn't look like he carries much in it. Whilst I can appreciate the quality of the leather I still think width must count for something!

Even my own little leather 'man bag' has enough space for my essentials - such as my Ipod, keys, lip balm and of course my ear-house (this, for the un-initiated is the plastic container in which my hearing aids are kept when not in use!).

They threw the book at me!

Apparently tomorrow is 'arrest an aardvark' day. Note to self - pack a large net, two sets of hand cuffs and a dozen or so large ripe ants.

Older...

Breaking with tradition, I'm reminiscing. Ten years ago in 1997 I was a very junior employee of a well known provider of accounting and other business services. In fact I was working on the de-mutualisation of a well known building society when Tony Blair beat John Major in the General Election. I remember seeing the results in my hotel room (as I was working away from home) and feeling disappointed, but unsurprised.

Today, a shade over ten years later, I have a fairly senior position in one of the other providers of accounting and other business services. For me times have changed...dramatically if I look at my life and standard of living.

When I watched the news this evening I realised that actually not a lot had changed. Until this morning the same few people had been doing the same top jobs for the last decade...and not necessarily very well. I genuinely don't think Britain is better - education, the health service, confidence in the government.

If anything I've seen a decline.

Random conversations in the pub

Although there was a sign saying "Ladies night - save 33 per cent on wine" I was slightly surprised when a fairly masculine chap came up to me and said "I might come in here on Friday night with a tuck under just to see if I can get the same deal"!

I hope it wasn't his way of coming on to me.

Inside leg....or short leg in cricket terms!

A new game to play on the train, following the very professional, yet entertaining, fitting for my wedding suit at Messr's Gieves and Hawkes at No.1 Savile Row! They are highly recommended.

As usual there's a points scoring system in play here, and it goes something like this if you have a keen eye:

- Slanted jacket pockets (can be a bit common these days) - 5 points
- Two-tone jacket lining (a bit like the optional extra paint on a TVR!) - 10 points
- A little hook two inches under the button hole to hold the stem of a flower (you won't have it, so don't look) - 25 points
- Suit jacket cuff buttons that actually undo - priceless (for everything else there is Mastercard)

Lawnmower man

I've reached a fairly tragic point in my life. Some would say that this has happened before, but for me, the time is now! I now am a driven man when it comes to mowing stripes in my lawn. I've got the right mower, and the right kind of lawn....and now I mean business!

I'm now wondering whether, if I mow the lawn twice in a few days in the opposite direction, I can actually get a chess board effect? Oh lord...

Tunnel of love

Apparently tomorrow is 'harass a hamster' day. Other than wave a cardboard tube and a lighter in front of the cage shouting 'you know you want to...' I'm not absolutely sure what I can do.

Or is it gerbils?

Last night a DJ saved my life

Boredom set in yesterday, and I invented a new game to play when you are on the train. It's appropriately called 'Count up how many different types of headphones you can see'. A catchy title indeed!

For added fun you can score one point for 'in the ear' models, two points for standard 'over the ear' models, and five points for massive, oversized 'DJ' models that have no place on a cramped train where space is limited. Note that you lose 50 points if they are also using a deck.

Is that a canoe in your pocket?

"Have you no shame?" I wanted to cry out at the chap on the platform this morning who was wearing a pair of trousers with an elasticated waist band! To be fair, this was only part of the problem. He also appeared, to my very amateur eye, to be sporting a stiffy (technical term!). I know I catch an early train but it was still an inappropriate and uncalled for version of morning glory!

Just imagine if it was the thought of the elasticated waist band that had had the effect!

What's cooking tonight?

A recent conversation with friends made me remember that my best mate, who also happens to be my 'best man', has a knack of breaking the handles off of cookers.

To date he's nobbled my mother's cooker (fifteen years ago), my friend's oven and maybe my old microwave too (now that I think about it...a long time after the event!).

I think it happens when he's drunk and pretends to hump the cooker (some kind of visual gag I'm sure!)....maybe we need to have a conversation before the big day given that we're having a spit roast!

Twenty minutes on gas mark four

There must be a word or a phrase to describe the feeling you have when you buy something new, unpack it, piece it together using poor instructions (including when you have to take it apart again and then re-jig it in the right order), get it all together and find it doesn't actually do what it says on the tin.

This afternoon, it happened to be a patio heater, but it could have been anything. All I wanted was a spring evening sipping wine on a slightly warmer patio than normal.....I might as well have plugged a hair dryer into an extension cable and pointed it towards me.

I can only assume that if the manufacturer decided that propane was better than butane (as was duly noted in the instructions) then it ought to f*cking work with the stuff. To read that it was test fired in the factory, thus insinuating that if it didn't work in my back garden it was my fault, was frankly taking the piss.

Let's hope their customer service department doesn't disappoint me in the same way. I suspect another post on this subject is only a day or so away!

Clean me up before you go go

When you stay at your friends houses, do you unconsciously make a note of how many hotel soaps and lotions are in their 'family' or 'guest' bathroom? I do, and then I score them out of ten for quantity, placement and brand!

As ever, bonus points are awarded to those who cleverly leave a little shower cap and sewing kit on the side!

For some reason though, unlike when staying in a hotel, I never feel the urge to steal them and put them in my wash bag!!!

Dog, bone and out the door

Several months ago I remarked about the idiot in my office whose phone went off in his trouser pocket and he didn't notice until it had got everyone else searching for the source of the noise! Well, the problem has finally been sorted.....I've fired him.

My thoughts are with his family who, unlike us, will now have to put up with his stupidity on a very regular basis.

I'd rather be a quack than a ducky...

Apparently tomorrow is 'drown a duck day'. I must remember to pack my snorkel, a pair of rubber waders and bag of assorted breads.

Who needs an expensive car alarm?

Having parked up at the gym the other day, I was amused to see a 4x4 jeep with it's rear door open and a dog laying asleep next to a large bowl of water in the boot. Whilst it didn't appear to be a particularly scary dog, I suspect it would make people think twice about stealing the thing!

Ten out of ten for ingenuity and nought out of ten for the rest of us who have paid five hundred quid for a category one alarm!!!

The question is - what does the owner of the vehicle put on the insurance quotation form when asked what kind of alarm they have....as I doubt there is a category for what I've just described!

Purveyor of fine....what?

I'm yet to see what the shop I walk past every day that proudly says 'tossed to order' in the window is actually selling, but it's on my to do list!

The power of television

One of the residential flats I pass every day on the train journey to work has a sticky tape cross in the window just like Fox Mulder in the X files. I'm guessing at what this person hopes to achieve, but my suspicion is that it isn't asking for help fighting against evil monsters who are not from this world.

I'm making the assumption that the tape isn't holding the window together, but I seem to think it's been there for about three years, so by now they would have mended it if it were broken wouldn't they?

Why am I concerned about this?

Un-explained mysteries of the world...

Number 73 - stupid signs

If they know that 'thieves are operating in this area' why on earth do they not use either CCTV, mobile police units or vigilante groups to stop and catch them?

Made of the white stuff

One of the local newsagents has started proclaiming that it sells the cheapest milk in our town. Not ground breaking stuff and probably not enough to make the local paper or indeed to have queues forming before dawn, but in the age of the over-dominant supermarket 'tis quite important nonetheless.

I expect that all their other goods are the most expensive in the town to compensate! I must check it out when I have a few spare minutes!

Shoot him off....shoot to kill!

I suppose it had to happen. Finally an innocent commuter has had enough of Mr Competitive. As the tube doors opened it was clearly packed and nobody was getting off. This didn't stop the erstwhile Mr C from pushing his way on, to the annoyance of several people, one of whom was bold enough to have a go at him. Fingers wagged, words were said, but sadly no punches were thrown. To be honest with you, I would quite like to have seen a modicum of bloodshed, as I think he actually deserves it.

All very exciting for a Wednesday morning! As soon as I got to work I treated myself to a cup of tea and a skinny blueberry muffin! I also displayed a broad grin for most of the morning.

Calm? Do I look like I'm calm???

You know when you've got a creative imagination when you see a sign saying "Traffic Calming Measures Now In Place" and mentally see images of angels gently stroking the bonnets of all manner of het up cars and vans. Mmmm, I can almost hear the sound of soothing classical music wafting over the carriageway to wipe away the road-rage of our vehicular cousins!

Resolved mysteries of the world...

Number 21 - Part-Time Signals

For years I've wondered what part time signals did when they weren't required for traffic duty. According to a recent survey, it turns out that 97% of them are either ballroom dance teachers, lavatory attendants or park keepers. The other 3% are doing an Art course at night-school.

I feel much better for knowing that.

Times are hard!

In the good old days there was a swanky machine that a chap on the station pushed to dispense salt when it was frosty and slippy underfoot. Now to my surprise it has been replaced by an old bloke with a bucket of salt who has to slide along the platform sowing it as though it were bird seed! Oh how the mighty have fallen!

I've got a sole flapping off my shoe!

You never notice that small hole in the sole of your shoe until it is wet underfoot and too late! You spend the rest of the day with a soggy sock, although an alternative strategy is to try to dry it with the hand dryer in the Gents and look a fool to anyone who enters.

Oh to be sure...it's a miracle

It's not often that I feel compelled to write a non train journey related blog, but tonight I've just watched Ireland beat Pakistan in the Cricket World Cup. A triumph of under-doggedness (if that is a word?) over skill and history, and I love it! Just a pity that England couldn't do the same thing yesterday over the Kiwi's.

Things I wish I'd invented...

Number 34 - Battery Powered Sat-Nav Shoes

Specifically designed for those times when you've been out on the lash, the world is spinning on more than one axis and you can't see your way home. These little babies will see you right!

The look that says it all...

Number 27 - That look of disappointment and anger at not being able to find a seat on the train even when you've paid several thousand pounds for a ticket ('season', rather than 'single' I hope!).

The brow is furrowed, the nose is squished up, the eyes lift skywards and deaf people all around can lip read the words "oh f*ck it" mimed silently but with passion!

Flight fright!

Given my intense fear of flying, yesterday's trip to Edinburgh was a little daunting! Whilst the car picking me up from my home and delivering me into the internal hell hole that is 'Heathrow' was kind of OK, the rest of the journey was pure hell.

How should I feel when the stewardess comes on the tannoy and says "if we land on water please use the escape routes over the wings"?

My suspicion, having watched several movies and televisual treats is that if we dare to touch down on water, we will sink and ultimately drown. I actually found myself looking at all of the other passengers and trying to work out which ones I would have to climb over to get to the escape exits.

That said, on the way back we flew in over London and I saw Canary Wharf, the London Eye and Tower Bridge all lit up like a Christmas Tree - very nice!

Food, glorious food...

My conversation with the bespoke sandwich lady at work went something like this:

Me: Hi, can I have tuna mayo on ciabatta with some tomato and onion please.

She busies herself by slicing open the bread and putting a scoop of tuna mayo on it.

Her: Anyfink else?

Me: Yes, tomato and onion please.

She looks blankly at me and puts some tomato slices on top of the tuna mayo.

Her: Anyfink else?

Me: Yes, some onion please.

Clearly not concerned at her own ignorance, she put some onion on the tomato slices.

Her: Anyfink else?

At this point whilst it would have been tempting to say that I wanted a large pina colada with half a pound of fruit and a cocktail umbrella in it, I decided that hunger had set in and I just wanted my lunch.

Shoe shine boy...

Well, quite clearly the top tip of the day was how to best shine your shoes. Not, at first thought, a monumentous story, but it was in fact the manner in which the chap did it that made me notice.

This clever bloke actually stopped before the up escalator at the tube station, rubbed some polish on his shoes and then spent the entire upward journey with either one of them rubbing against the brushes on the side of the escalator.

My word were his shoes shiny at the top - he could have been in the army with such a sheen.

It's days like today that make you glad to be alive.

More things to wind me up...

People with unkempt hair....it doesn't take a minute to look in the mirror before you leave home, although if you did you might also notice the cheap suit from the pound shop too.

People who appear to have either gone into the barbers and said 'grade two all over please' or have bought a pair of cheap clippers and done it themselves. Have they never heard of layering or indeed 'style'?

Mr Competitive (still, after all of this time!) for he now stands at 'his place' on the platform even when its pouring with rain just so he gets on the train first.

Ticket barriers at tube stations that aren't very good at their job.......e.g. They don't accept tickets, which rather defeats the object of their existence (unless they are in the employment of the devil with a sole purpose of annoying innocent travellers like me).

People who only appear to own white shirts. My advice is to live a little, go wild and buy something that wouldn't have looked out of place on a deckchair on Brighton beach in 1975.

Men who wear french cuff shirts with knot cuff links. I can only assume you don't know what real cuff links are. It looks cheap.

The trouble with me...

Since the start of 2007 I seem to be getting more and more irritated by the silliest of things. For example, people with trousers an inch too short for their legs - it looks silly, and how I groan when I see it happening. Surely, like me, people check before leaving the house to make sure that their trousers fit?

Another good example is men who have taken to wearing brown shoes with dark suits - I don't care whether brown is the new black, it doesn't work unless you are the man from del monte and are wearing a light tan linen number (which is to be avoided at all costs unless you also own a hat).

Finally, in this rant, I would like to draw attention to men who have started to wear long pointy shoes. Their feet can't possibly fit into more than about two thirds of the shoe. I know if I wore shoes like that I would not only look like a penguin, but would also stumble around tripping over them, which again, is plain daft.

Answers on a postcard to Points of View, London.

Comedy of errors!

Well winter came yesterday so finally the train operators had an excuse. Two inches of snow and everything ground to a halt, including the ability of rail staff to do their jobs apparently. Briefly:

My train was cancelled - no announcement.
Next train was cancelled - no announcement.
The train after these two only had four carriages

.....so approx 20 carriages worth of people were crammed in like sardines.

Before my train, a fast non stopping service, was allowed to depart, they allowed a slow, stopping service to depart thus slowing us down all the way as we were on the same track.

Is this what made Britain great? I think we all know the answer.

A pair of pints...no more!

Grave news from La Boots today - The Mother Black Cap might have closed down or at least be temporarily out of action for refurbishment. The bastion of beery bliss, the toast of the wineries and the apple of my cidery eye (ice in the cider) could be no more.

I think we've been in here too long. I feel unusual. I think we should go outside.

That bloody boiler...

Frankly I've been humilated before....in fact many times, but nothing had prepared me for my boiler ceasing to perform it's basic functions...like heating water for example! Washing one's hands, taking a shower, were out of order!

There are a few times in my life where I have felt degraded....and other than this, none are fit for my Ear-Trumpet blog. This time, it was horrific. To my dear "wife to be's"credit she boiled lots of water but I still found myself in a bath which had an inch and a half of luke warm water with me using a Pyrex measuring jug to wash my hair.....oh how the mighty have fallen!

King of the Apes...not!

Apparently, tomorrow is 'grab a gibbon' day. Note to self - take a fruit hamper with me when I leave the house.