Spotting them a mile off

We walked to a local town yesterday and had lunch in a pub well renowned for being part of a chain that sells cheap food and beer. We know what to expect when we go there and are rarely disappointed - no frills, but 'it does what it says on the tin'.

Now, the place is usually frequented by a veritable smorgasbord of people, and yesterday was no exception. Opposite us were a table of 8 - they were loud, the blokes were wearing cheap trousers (no matching jackets obviously) and cracking humourless crude jokes and the women were either old, fat or a mixture of both...and of course everyone was wearing more gold jewellery than you could find in a flea market.

I turned to my wife at one point and rolled my eyes and said "I wonder which department of the local council they work for" as a bit of a joke...only for my wife to say "They're from the planning department, as I overheard them talking about an application for an extension they've just turned down".

How often real life mirrors comedy.

Herbal remedies

Having tried cough mixture, pain killers and various roots from the garden, I finally realised that the best thing to rid a cold was brandy, mixed with wine and vodka! Oh happy times.

Thinking man

It's a sad day when you sit there alone and ponder whether the advantages of using bamboo scaffolding over metal outweigh the hassle of trying to source the damn stuff in the first place.

Tis the season to be stupid

After weeks of counting down the days until I could open my advent calendar, I promptly forgot this morning and went without my little chocolate gift. On the bright side it means I get two chocolates tomorrow.....assuming my wife hasn't already had mine that is!

Here hare here

Being someone who is deaf you sometimes have to think carefully about what you hear or think you have heard.

At London Bridge station today I heard the following announcement "contract cleaner to platform 13 to deal with spinnach".

I thought it must be a coded message about a bomb alert but on thinking through it I bet I mis-heard spinnach for spillage.

Hunger pangs

While my wife was away visiting relatives recently, I decided to try out the local topless takeaway restaurant. I wasn't feeling very hungry so I ordered cheese on toast....and I only got toast.

Lemon wet weather gear

Having decided to buy a new laptop, and more specifically, one of the ones which has a name which is a cross between a piece of fruit and a raincoat, I'm now pretty miffed that I can't seem to get one for love nor money.

I've tried two stores and they've both sold out. I then had a great idea of ordering online only for their website to reject my credit card, despite me having a credit limit bigger than the GDP of some developing countries.

Maybe they just don't want me to have one.

You can tell by the way I walk...

There's a bloke who walks past my house each day en route to the station. For some reason when I leave the house the same time as he walks by I find the need to enter a speed walking competition with him to see who gets there first. I walk on the left side of the lane and he walks on the right. I'm convinced he gets the best of the geography, as it's always him who gets to the station first.

It really doesn't worry me too much as I'm not sure it matters in the grand scheme of things.....but that said, it worries me enough to write about it......

PS - he wears a woolen (probably hand-knit) beanie, and in my opinion it doesn't go with his suit (cheap though it obviously is).

Business casual

Given that my role is mostly made up of internal meetings I make the most of the 'business casual' dress code at work and usually dress in a smart pair of slacks and a tweed jacket.

Sadly it backfired on me this week when I had to do an interview and decided to turn up in an expensive suit, a tailored shirt and a pair of luxury cufflinks.

I was accused of looking, and I quote, 'a lot less like a lumberjack than you normally do'!!!

Clearly my sense of fashion offends some people in my office!

Older

I must be getting old as today I voluntarilly went shopping for slippers. I found some too - quirky, hand made sheepskin ones that cost a fortune!

Your carriage awaits

I can't understand why a bloke gets on the next carriage along from me but then walks back down and sits on my carriage. Surely the best plan would be to get on my carriage in the first place and cut out the middle man?

The lines are drawn...

At the wedding of one of my bestest friends was a very attractive, if not alternatively turned out, lady who, at first sight, sported stockings with the line up the back of her legs.  On closer inspection (and actually it wasn't that close as I asked my wife to check just in case I was missing something), I realised that the lines were actually tatooes and she wasn't actually wearing any stockings!

Now, she looked great, but I can't help thinking that these lines could look a bit odd in a few years time when nature had taken its toll.

Who wants a 40 year old lady with wobbly stockings......oh OK maybe someone, somewhere...

Nice handywork

I received a voucher for an Indian Head Massage as a wedding present, and finally got round to organising it a few weeks back.  It was rather a pleasant experience, but I think I was a little tense throughout the massage as I wanted to make sure I didn't relax too much and fart uncontrollably.

The one thing that worried me was that afterwards I found out that the lady doing the massage also specialises in colonic irrigation.  I hope she washed her hands before she started on me.

Who?

I live in an old house which has an outside privy, and it has come to my attention that the spider who lives in there doesn't have a name. Pretty poor show on my part, and given that a christening service at the local church will be quite expensive, I hereby name him Boris. God save him, and all who flush him down the toilet.

Water works!

Not only does my new washing machine have a full on digital display that could probably pick up HD TV channels if it was tuned in properly, but it also has a little light that comes on inside the unit when you open the door. It's like an oven, but with water!

Stairway to Devon

Am I the only one who thinks that people who try to walk up two steps at a time look weird.  There's something just wrong about it as their knees end up almost hitting their chin.

Bovine misadventure

If I find something amusing enough to warrant a blog entry but don't have time to pen the whole story, I tend to write down a few words to remind me later.  On this occasion I wrote the words 'bovine misadventure' but I simply cannot work out what I was thinking.  I'm guessing it was either rude, disgusting or just funny, but I'm really not sure where to start.

As ever, answers on a postcard...

Firing on all cylinders

Having read a story in the newspaper this morning about a boy who tried to light his own farts, I've decided to strike this off the list of things to do before I'm 40. This poor boy didn't even pay any attention to basic health and safety precautions (or indeed common sense) as he foolishly lit the match next to a petrol can! I don't think I need to explain what happened next.

Things not to do on the tube - number 19

Humming along to whatever you are listening to on your iPod. You'll look like you should have been entered for the Village Idiot's Championship (notice the capital letters - this event actually exists!).

Worse still, number 20, occasionally miming or indeed singing a few bars of the song...

Tales of the unexpected

When in Mumbai earlier in the year, I was fortunate enough to have a few hours spare before flying home to Blighty....so what better than to play 18 holes of golf at the Willingdon Club!

Having set my alarm at 5am, we were picked up from the hotel at 6am and were on the first tee at 6.30am. At approximately 6.32am I found my wayward tee shot in the bunker....surrounded by three sleeping dogs! Not one of them moved whilst I took my shot.

You can't make this stuff up can you???!!!

Rude awakenings

I'm well known at work for my choice of fruity language, and whilst I'm not proud of this, it is frankly a sign of someone who has a limited vocabulary. That said, two events this week have reminded me that maybe I need to curb the 'fruitiness' (especially relevant given I have an 11 week old daughter!).

Firstly, I was asked by our HR Manager whether I had Tourette's Syndrome...to which I replied 'fuck off', and secondly, having finished a conference call, I was complemented by our Financial Controller who said I had got through the whole conversation without saying something was 'bollocks'.

Not so cool as a cucumber!

I always pride myself on my appearance, even if I'm wearing an ensemble that other people wouldn't be seen dead in!

However, last weekend I went to the pub in a smart pair of jeans and a rather dashing, and dare I say it expensive, polo shirt, only to realise half way through the evening that my collar was drenched in baby vomit!

Luckily nobody noticed as they must have thought it part of the 'look' I had created, but I felt like a bit of a tit!

One-upmanship

I've got something that none of my friends have got......a really decent 'tuck under' impression......and unless I see theirs on video I shall reign supreme!!!

Sounds familiar?

Whilst in India earlier in the year I visited an outsourcing company and, whilst on the extremely good guided tour, I heard a sound that was vaguely familar, but one I hadn't heard for a very long time......it was the sound of a dot matrix printer!

It reminded me of the Centronics GLP I had when I were a lad.....apparently GLP stood for 'Great Little Printer'! Nice!

The phantom raspberry blower of 'Old London Town'...

At first I thought I was merely imagining it, but when the second waft of fruity woof woof went up my nose it was unmistakable. Someone had let rip on the train.....in an enclosed space with me having no chance of escape.

More worryingly was that it smelt like one of mine, but I don't think it could have been.........oh dear god what if I can no longer control myself and don't realise I'm doing it?!

The other side of the coin

As a bloke, I've always been accustomed to having to make the first move, so you can imagine my shock when a very pretty young lady came up to me at a charity event and said "Excuse me, but could you give me your phone number now, as I suspect I'll be too pissed to ask later on?".

And at least this time, I didn't have the baby strapped to me....

Horses for courses...

Oh how I have learned the hard way.

Yesterday I had indeed ascended to heaven....I was in Hyde Park when The Police played their last ever gig in the UK.......that said, it was tempered with the depression that came over me when I looked at the pictures I took with the camera on my phone. 'Poor' would not be an adequate description. If a two year old had taken them, his or her parents would probably have probably emigrated and left the child at home, thus creating a news frenzy.

It was depressing enough that as I was reviewing the pictures on the train on the way home, the bloke sitting next to me was reviewing the, clearly very good, pictures he'd taken with his fairly inexpensive camera (that incidentally didn't double up as a phone). What made it worse was that he had seen The Police in 1979 in Brighton and had also taken some good 35mm shots that night too....I actually think he said this to rub salt into my visibly open wounds.

The moral of the story.....phones are meant to be used to talk to people.....cameras are meant to take pictures. As of now, the two don't really mix.

The look that says it all

She may only be 6 weeks old but my daughter has perfected a certain kind of look. When people come up to us and say (in a very silly voice) "Are you a baby?", you can see that she's actually thinking "Yes.......are you a mental patient?".

Freshly brewed

Most of us are well versed in using multi-national coffee shops to buy our skinny latte's, double cappuccino's and other shit. We also know that pick pockets thrive in this environment.

I want to a open tea emporium so I can put a sign up saying 'tea leaves operate in this area'!

Whatever happened to the Apothecary?

And there was me thinking that it was only your friends with contact lenses that turned your house into a science lab, but now the baby is doing it too! We've got cauldron's boiling, witches coming round with herbs and the sweet smell of chlorine permeating throughout the kitchen - all in order to sterilise the feeding bottles!

This isn't the first time I've had dreams of women in white coats trying to take me away.

Not a clue...

What a wonderful announcement on the station this morning...."We apologise for the late running of the 6.54 - the train is being delayed by a currently unidentified reason which is under investigation"!!!

So, the driver got up late then???!!!

Pulling power

Why is it that when I now go out with my baby daughter strapped to my front in a baby carrier, women (of all ages) seem to take notice of me? I not only get eye contact and smiles but quite often they even talk to me!

My pulling power has increased tenfold overnight and I'm loving it!

Clean as...

I don't think I can begin to convey the surprise when I saw the state of my wife's socks after about 12 hours in hospital last week. All she had done (other than give birth - no mean feat!) was lay in bed and walk around on the ward and the bottom of her pink socks were black with grime!

Just how worried are they about MRSA? Surely they must clean the floors too?

The agony of choice

Luckily, according to the midwife, I (or we) owned the placenta when it came out after my wife gave birth.

In the old days, I was informed, they used to take it away and sell it to companies who wanted to make expensive make-up. I'm surprised they don't still do this given the state of the NHS (I mean they ask for £120 per night if you want a private room in the maternity ward!).

Now, it's different. We had a choice. Did we want to give it to the midwife to dispose of (she will then probably sell it on the black market to the make-up companies), or alternatively did we want to take it home.....and, I quote, "fry it with some garlic and butter" or "bury it in the garden to help the plants grow"? Hmmm, let me see. Which do I find more gross?

Our answer was simple - the make-up companies had it!

The warning

It's difficult to know how to react when you're told by the senior midwife that whilst it's good to have 'flesh against flesh' when the baby is born, under no circumstances was I to strip naked in the delivery suite.

I hadn't actually thought of this, but clearly my reputation preceeds me!!!

Impulse buy...

The question that immediately leaps to mind is "Why have I just bought a feather duster?".

Other than that I'm just wondering what I had hoped to achieve, and indeed feel, after such a purchase. Answers on a postcard...

Choices?

Knowing my late grandfather, as I did, I doubt he would have changed anything about his life. He served his country during the Second World War. He cared for the rich and the poor - he was only too happy to help his neighbour out when they were troubled. He was headstrong. He was resolute about political and social matters.

However, if he could have had his life all over again, I suspect he would have thought twice about stepping out onto the road into the path of that bus...

More bedroom performance...

Can I really be the only person to have lost one of the pillow cases inside the duvet cover and spend an entire evening trying to locate it (it wasn't in the washing machine, nor the tumble drier....nor several other places I looked)?

Stop thief!

If the person who stole my step ladder yesterday doesn't bring it back, further steps will be taken.

(the above was written in aid of 'Give an elderly joke a home week')

Come back later

Apparently most maternity wards these days have what is called a 'triage suite'. I knew nothing about the purpose of such a place so asked the midwife. She said that this is where pregnant ladies go when they turn up at the hospital after labour has started so that an assessment can be made as to the stage of labour they're at.

What appears to happen is a midwife or doctor checks you out and then sends you home unless the baby's head is already showing.

You may as well call it the 'time wasters suite'.

Pain relief

During one of the ante natal meetings it was unbelievable that one of the expectant mothers asked if giving birth was more painful than breaking your leg skiing.

I think most of us, whether we had either broken our leg skiing or given birth, assumed that it was probably the latter, and indeed the midwife agreed.

Lies and damned lies

During the tour of the local maternity unit, one of the expectant mothers asked if it was true that during a water birth you had to pull your own baby out (and I don't mean out of the water!).

Despite everyone else looking incredulous, she was adamant that her local midwife had told her this! I think not.

No sh!t, Sherlock...

Gratifying to know that the best piece of advice that the midwife could offer at the first ante natal meeting we went to was "now, ladies, you must open your legs when you give birth otherwise the baby can't come out".

Seek and ye shall find

Imagine my surprise when I was sorting through the attic and stumbled across the Ark of the Covenant. This mystical object has been missing for nearly two thousand years and hey presto it appears in my loft.

The question is, what to do with it now? Obvious options include putting it on display in the British Museum, using it as a trinket box or taking it to the Antiques Roadshow for a valuation. I prefer the latter just to see the look on Michael Aspel's face.

The pangs of jealousy!

I've thought for a long time that luxuries don't have to be expensive, and I have to say that pangs of jealousy have, over the last couple of years, been aimed at one of my best mates.......he has a beer bottle opener fixed to his kitchen wall near the fridge!

However, times are changing and not only was I bought one for Christmas, but now I have it firmly installed in my kitchen!

The tapestry of life has never been so rich!

Minimum...maximum

I've calculated that the minimum number of steps it takes to get back from the pub next door is 48. Whilst I think that is pretty damn good, it should be tempered with the fact that the maximum I've managed to do it in is 232. This, I'm told, included zig zagging across the road twice and doing a little dance around the mini-roundabout!

China in my hand

You can imagine my disgust when I went for a piss in a half decent brauhouse in Berlin just before Christmas to find that I had to aim at a dead fly in the urinal!

You can also probably imagine the comedy value when, after three or four visits to the toilet during the course of the evening , I realised that the fly was in fact a trade mark of the urinal manufacturer and was hand painted on the china!

Recycled clothing

My wife's aunt is about to knit me a jumper and to be totally environmentally friendly I've decided she should use the fluff I've been collecting from my navel over the last three and a half decades. It can't be that difficult to spin it into wool.

If I'm seen wearing a recycled pullover I suspect everyone else will want one too. Top clothing manufacturers take note!

Flying at half mast

I'm very pleased to announce that the erstwhile Mr Competitive is back in town.

Amusingly his suit trousers appear to have shrunk (cheap dry cleaners, if you ask me!) and are most definately now at half mast. It couldn't have happened to a nicer person.

What a professional.....what a contender.....what a prick!

Bedroom performance...

Am I the only person in the world who has to climb inside the duvet cover to make the bed?

Drinking games

I was very happy when they installed a new vending machine at work last week as it actually makes a half a decent cup of tea (rare, in my view). It's so sophisticated that it even tells you that if you ever want to order the same again, you can simply type in the 'quick code', presumably saving you time (which as my boss tells me, means money).

Having tried this, I've found that for my tipple of choice (white tea) you actually have to push more buttons using the 'quick code' system than you do by simply choosing your drink by the normal method!!!

Hardly an efficient use of my time!

Going up...

I was surprised when a chap standing in front of me on the escalator at 'Bank' underground station said "Excuse me mate, but is it Tuesday or Wednesday?". After I'd given due consideration to this question and checked for hidden cameras, he seemed equally surprised when I replied "Friday". Either he really didn't know what day of the week it was or his elaborate joke had just backfired on him (it was in fact Tuesday).

The Look!

When you see people on the train, there are usually three kinds of look. "casual", "professional" and "camp old twat". The latter is, in my humble opinion, usually the bloke with the black beret and the red scarf tied provocatively around his neck like some cheap cravat!

Junior

Now that Junior is well on the way, I've been doing my cash-flow and have discovered that due to increased costs of running a larger family......the dog and cat will have to go. I think I'll put them up for adoption as I don't have a shotgun.

New towels

I'd forgotten how much fluff is generated by new towels. This fluff now leaves itself in the washing machine, the tumble dryer, the bathroom and now, to my absolute horror, around my dinkle when I've dried myself after having a shower.

What would you pay for new fluff free towels?

I think I'd be prepared to pay over a million pounds just to avoid multi coloured dinkle humiliation (which is odd considering the towels are definitely 'aubergine'!!!).

Optional extras (at no extra cost?)

After a recent business trip to Berlin, I've realised there is a sure-fire way of telling if a hotel is high quality - they leave you a card in the room at 7pm giving details of tomorrows weather forecast.

Tactless questioning

On a visit to the local Healthcare Centre today to have the 22 week scan on our unborne child, my wife was given a questionnaire to complete after the birth - nothing extraordinary about that I hear you say.

However, frankly I was shocked at the first question which read "What was the outcome of the pregnancy - (a) live birth, (b) termination, (c) stillbirth or (d) miscarriage" - not necessarily what you want to think about when you've just found out that you're going to be the proud parents of a little girl in a few months time.

Signage

What must they have been thinking when they put a sign saying "Liquor in the front, and poker in the rear" in my local pub?

To inflate the life-jacket...pull here!

Imagine my shock when I listened to the safety briefing on a recent flight to find the recorded voiceover was none other than one of my colleagues! Moonlighting indeed!

Oh, I like it yeah!

If ever adverts need to be in context, it is for the following which I saw recently:

'For stiffness and pain phone Becky on '0800 xxx xxxx'

In my view, in any other publication than "Arthritis Monthly" it's fairly amusing, albeit in a childish sort of way........answers on a postcard for where I saw it!!!

Resolutions...

When asked what you think the New Year holds in store for you, it is a brave man that replies "Well, I'd like to clear my credit card before December and have a threesome with my wife and her pilates instructor".